Go and take a ride to a shop in Grant Park
I have three options at this point. 1) Apologize profusely (to who? I don't know) about not posting enough and follow said apology with pathetic reasons why; 2) Continue on like nothing happened and there was no extreme break in continuity; or 3) Acknowledge a break in time and then do a catch-up post.
I choose 3!
So I've spent the last week or so reading through just about every post I've ever made on this blog. For those who don't know, that's 8 years of intermittent posting. As I read through all the things I had written, some of it made me cringe (I am seriously not a particularly good poet), some of it made me laugh (and in response, I think, why can't I be funny any more?), and some of it nearly made me cry (as in, 'I have to stop reading this now or I will be tearing up in the middle of the office').
In the end, the overarching feeling that possessed me was one of satisfaction. As if I had preserved memories and moments in time that would have otherwise been unsavable (I see my penchant for making up words is still strong as ever). This realization (if you will) gave me a desire to keep writing here.
The odd thing is that I was able to trace my desires for this blog over time. I started out wanting, more than anything, to have a ton of people reading what I wrote. I imagined a roiling stock-exchange style atmosphere of witty banter being thrown back and forth through furious, almost unfollowable tangents.
The next stage was one of self-debasement and self-pity. I threw lack of care out like a lure and hoped that my sad, sad state would draw people in. This was basically the same as the first state, but without the blatant cry for attention.
After that came true lack of concern over reader population. If people read my blog, great, if not, great. But I was also stuck in a phrase where I was being narcissistic and felt the my words were good enough that whoever read them would realize that and that I didn't need to advertise.
Then goes more self pity, more blatant advertising, more not caring, more self pity, and finally actual not caring.
I could sense a freedom in writing for nobody but myself. But I found myself asking why I would write on the internet if I didn't care if anybody else read what I was writing. The only answer I could come up with is honesty. I know, that sounds strange. Let me explain. If I have a piece of paper in front of me and I want to tell a story, I can tell it however I like if I know that only I will be reading it. But if I am going to tell that story online, I know that someone who might know the story as well as I, and could call me on it if I lied. It's almost like an accountability group who will keep me at least semi-honest, most of the time.
And even when there is nobody else who knows the story, I know that I will re-read the story that I told the whole world (enter: narcissism), and I know I will genuinely feel bad if I lied.
So...in the long run, this blog is a personal journal punctuated with occasional pleas for feedback, infinite self-indulgence, occasional moments of clarity, countless moment of unclarity, and, overall, a reminder to myself of specific dreams and desires for any given time in my life.
p.s. I guess I actually chose plan 4: recognize my lack of posting, talk about previous posting, and hint at future posting. Go ambiguity!!!
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
This I believe: I believe there is a God
Penn (from Penn and Teller) recently had a short segment on NPR where he explained his belief that there is no God. It is well written and makes one think, “Yeah, that sounds good!” But at the same time, he words things in such a way that it belittles belief in God without directly attacking it. Just as an exercise in fairness I am going to rebut some of the hidden arguments here.
”I believe that there is no God. I'm beyond atheism. Atheism is not believing in God. Not believing in God is easy -- you can't prove a negative, so there's no work to do. You can't prove that there isn't an elephant inside the trunk of my car. You sure? How about now? Maybe he was just hiding before. Check again. Did I mention that my personal heartfelt definition of the word "elephant" includes mystery, order, goodness, love and a spare tire?”
This all starts out accurate and straightforward.
”So, anyone with a love for truth outside of herself has to start with no belief in God and then look for evidence of God. She needs to search for some objective evidence of a supernatural power. All the people I write e-mails to often are still stuck at this searching stage. The atheism part is easy.”
Agreed.
”But, this "This I Believe" thing seems to demand something more personal, some leap of faith that helps one see life's big picture, some rules to live by. So, I'm saying, "This I believe: I believe there is no God."”
At this point I thought, “My gosh, someone who does not believe in God is actually taking the burden of proof upon himself! This is amazing!” But then things go a little downhill in my opinion.
”Having taken that step, it informs every moment of my life. I'm not greedy. I have love, blue skies, rainbows and Hallmark cards, and that has to be enough. It has to be enough, but it's everything in the world and everything in the world is plenty for me. It seems just rude to beg the invisible for more. Just the love of my family that raised me and the family I'm raising now is enough that I don't need heaven. I won the huge genetic lottery and I get joy every day.”
If God (from here on out “God” will refer to the Christian God for lack of confusion) exists, we are not “begging” this being for more than our physical world. If God exists, and there is more than this physical world, God wants us to have more (e.g. Heaven). And saying, “I don’t need heaven” is perfectly fine…especially if one doesn’t believe in it. That’s like saying, “I don’t need unicorns in order to have a joyous life.” Of course Penn doesn’t need heaven to feel joy. He is ok with this world being all there is and therefore has learned to be happy with it. But if God exists, and so does heaven, then saying, “I don’t need heaven” is akin to saying, “I don’t need ultimate fulfillment.”
”Believing there's no God means I can't really be forgiven except by kindness and faulty memories. That's good; it makes me want to be more thoughtful. I have to try to treat people right the first time around.”
This is a straightforward jab at those who believe in God. Let me restate Penn’s comment, “People who believe in God are ok treating people poorly because they know that God can forgive them later.” Anybody who believes in God and lives a selfish life because forgiveness can be given later has completely misunderstood the entire meaning of Christianity. Maybe he forgot that whole, “Do unto others” thing the Bible espouses.
”Believing there's no God stops me from being solipsistic. I can read ideas from all different people from all different cultures. Without God, we can agree on reality, and I can keep learning where I'm wrong. We can all keep adjusting, so we can really communicate. I don't travel in circles where people say, "I have faith, I believe this in my heart and nothing you can say or do can shake my faith." That's just a long-winded religious way to say, "shut up," or another two words that the FCC likes less. But all obscenity is less insulting than, "How I was brought up and my imaginary friend means more to me than anything you can ever say or do." So, believing there is no God lets me be proven wrong and that's always fun. It means I'm learning something.”
The solipsism remark here confuses me. If I believe in God, that means there is more than just my mind in existence. In fact, there has to be more than just my mind…the entirety of creation and others around us is an integral part of life. If I do not believe in God, reality is up for grabs. I would argue that reality is less easy to agree upon without belief in God. In fact, all non-Christian philosophy is proof of that. And my belief in God in no way stops me from reading different ideas from different cultures. I love reading ideas that radically differ from my own. I hunger for knowledge that is not contained within my cultural norms. Just because I don’t adopt 100% of another’s cultural viewpoint does not mean I have not gained or learned from said viewpoint.
But I wholeheartedly agree that people should never say "I have faith, I believe this in my heart and nothing you can say or do can shake my faith." That comment makes me think that Penn is writing this to a very specific subset of unintelligent Christians. My statement goes something like this, “If you can prove to me that my beliefs (beliefs that I do have evidence for) are wrong, I will drop my Christian faith this very instant.” And believing there is a God does not disallow me from being proven wrong. I am proven wrong all the time, and I cherish the learning experience.
”Believing there is no God means the suffering I've seen in my family, and indeed all the suffering in the world, isn't caused by an omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent force that isn't bothered to help or is just testing us, but rather something we all may be able to help others with in the future. No God means the possibility of less suffering in the future.”
I’m not going to go into it, but “the problem of pain” is a well documented debate about how awful things can exist in a God-created world. Arguments that say God’s existence makes the bad things that happen even worse are poor arguments in my opinion. And how does lack of God mean we can fix all the bad things that happen? If there is no God, that means many people are just evil and there is no way to change that (if we take the entirety of history into account). Lack of God seems to lead to lack of hope that somehow the world will all just suddenly get along.
”Believing there is no God gives me more room for belief in family, people, love, truth, beauty, sex, Jell-O and all the other things I can prove and that make this life the best life I will ever have.”
Belief in God does not fill up some sort of “belief bag” that only has so much room in it. In fact, belief in God, if God exists, allows one to have a fuller and more meaningful belief in everything from family to sex to Jell-O. Without God, love is just a chemical reaction. With God, love is a deep emotion given to us by a loving being that wants us to experience his perfect love and therefore allows us this great feeling. The same goes for all “good” things in life. Without God, “good things” feel more hallow because they are random and not given to us out of love.
You might be thinking, "Wait, Grant was unhappy that Penn stated his belief in no God and bundled negatives to belief in God in his statements; but then he stated his belief in God and bundled negatives to belief in no God. Isn't that hypocritical?" I don't really see it that way. If Penn had stated what he did and made actual arguments for his points (rather than just saying, "Believing in no God makes the world a better place...just because") I would have no qualms with what he said.
In the end, I think it's great for people to switch from, "I don't believe in God," to, "I believe that God does not exist." It makes for a more thoughtful approach to life. At least this gets people on the right track to have more meaningful discussions rather than hurling, "Just because!" back and forth at each other.
Penn (from Penn and Teller) recently had a short segment on NPR where he explained his belief that there is no God. It is well written and makes one think, “Yeah, that sounds good!” But at the same time, he words things in such a way that it belittles belief in God without directly attacking it. Just as an exercise in fairness I am going to rebut some of the hidden arguments here.
”I believe that there is no God. I'm beyond atheism. Atheism is not believing in God. Not believing in God is easy -- you can't prove a negative, so there's no work to do. You can't prove that there isn't an elephant inside the trunk of my car. You sure? How about now? Maybe he was just hiding before. Check again. Did I mention that my personal heartfelt definition of the word "elephant" includes mystery, order, goodness, love and a spare tire?”
This all starts out accurate and straightforward.
”So, anyone with a love for truth outside of herself has to start with no belief in God and then look for evidence of God. She needs to search for some objective evidence of a supernatural power. All the people I write e-mails to often are still stuck at this searching stage. The atheism part is easy.”
Agreed.
”But, this "This I Believe" thing seems to demand something more personal, some leap of faith that helps one see life's big picture, some rules to live by. So, I'm saying, "This I believe: I believe there is no God."”
At this point I thought, “My gosh, someone who does not believe in God is actually taking the burden of proof upon himself! This is amazing!” But then things go a little downhill in my opinion.
”Having taken that step, it informs every moment of my life. I'm not greedy. I have love, blue skies, rainbows and Hallmark cards, and that has to be enough. It has to be enough, but it's everything in the world and everything in the world is plenty for me. It seems just rude to beg the invisible for more. Just the love of my family that raised me and the family I'm raising now is enough that I don't need heaven. I won the huge genetic lottery and I get joy every day.”
If God (from here on out “God” will refer to the Christian God for lack of confusion) exists, we are not “begging” this being for more than our physical world. If God exists, and there is more than this physical world, God wants us to have more (e.g. Heaven). And saying, “I don’t need heaven” is perfectly fine…especially if one doesn’t believe in it. That’s like saying, “I don’t need unicorns in order to have a joyous life.” Of course Penn doesn’t need heaven to feel joy. He is ok with this world being all there is and therefore has learned to be happy with it. But if God exists, and so does heaven, then saying, “I don’t need heaven” is akin to saying, “I don’t need ultimate fulfillment.”
”Believing there's no God means I can't really be forgiven except by kindness and faulty memories. That's good; it makes me want to be more thoughtful. I have to try to treat people right the first time around.”
This is a straightforward jab at those who believe in God. Let me restate Penn’s comment, “People who believe in God are ok treating people poorly because they know that God can forgive them later.” Anybody who believes in God and lives a selfish life because forgiveness can be given later has completely misunderstood the entire meaning of Christianity. Maybe he forgot that whole, “Do unto others” thing the Bible espouses.
”Believing there's no God stops me from being solipsistic. I can read ideas from all different people from all different cultures. Without God, we can agree on reality, and I can keep learning where I'm wrong. We can all keep adjusting, so we can really communicate. I don't travel in circles where people say, "I have faith, I believe this in my heart and nothing you can say or do can shake my faith." That's just a long-winded religious way to say, "shut up," or another two words that the FCC likes less. But all obscenity is less insulting than, "How I was brought up and my imaginary friend means more to me than anything you can ever say or do." So, believing there is no God lets me be proven wrong and that's always fun. It means I'm learning something.”
The solipsism remark here confuses me. If I believe in God, that means there is more than just my mind in existence. In fact, there has to be more than just my mind…the entirety of creation and others around us is an integral part of life. If I do not believe in God, reality is up for grabs. I would argue that reality is less easy to agree upon without belief in God. In fact, all non-Christian philosophy is proof of that. And my belief in God in no way stops me from reading different ideas from different cultures. I love reading ideas that radically differ from my own. I hunger for knowledge that is not contained within my cultural norms. Just because I don’t adopt 100% of another’s cultural viewpoint does not mean I have not gained or learned from said viewpoint.
But I wholeheartedly agree that people should never say "I have faith, I believe this in my heart and nothing you can say or do can shake my faith." That comment makes me think that Penn is writing this to a very specific subset of unintelligent Christians. My statement goes something like this, “If you can prove to me that my beliefs (beliefs that I do have evidence for) are wrong, I will drop my Christian faith this very instant.” And believing there is a God does not disallow me from being proven wrong. I am proven wrong all the time, and I cherish the learning experience.
”Believing there is no God means the suffering I've seen in my family, and indeed all the suffering in the world, isn't caused by an omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent force that isn't bothered to help or is just testing us, but rather something we all may be able to help others with in the future. No God means the possibility of less suffering in the future.”
I’m not going to go into it, but “the problem of pain” is a well documented debate about how awful things can exist in a God-created world. Arguments that say God’s existence makes the bad things that happen even worse are poor arguments in my opinion. And how does lack of God mean we can fix all the bad things that happen? If there is no God, that means many people are just evil and there is no way to change that (if we take the entirety of history into account). Lack of God seems to lead to lack of hope that somehow the world will all just suddenly get along.
”Believing there is no God gives me more room for belief in family, people, love, truth, beauty, sex, Jell-O and all the other things I can prove and that make this life the best life I will ever have.”
Belief in God does not fill up some sort of “belief bag” that only has so much room in it. In fact, belief in God, if God exists, allows one to have a fuller and more meaningful belief in everything from family to sex to Jell-O. Without God, love is just a chemical reaction. With God, love is a deep emotion given to us by a loving being that wants us to experience his perfect love and therefore allows us this great feeling. The same goes for all “good” things in life. Without God, “good things” feel more hallow because they are random and not given to us out of love.
You might be thinking, "Wait, Grant was unhappy that Penn stated his belief in no God and bundled negatives to belief in God in his statements; but then he stated his belief in God and bundled negatives to belief in no God. Isn't that hypocritical?" I don't really see it that way. If Penn had stated what he did and made actual arguments for his points (rather than just saying, "Believing in no God makes the world a better place...just because") I would have no qualms with what he said.
In the end, I think it's great for people to switch from, "I don't believe in God," to, "I believe that God does not exist." It makes for a more thoughtful approach to life. At least this gets people on the right track to have more meaningful discussions rather than hurling, "Just because!" back and forth at each other.
Monday, August 10, 2009
I need a break from reality for a bit. Moving, changing jobs, starting a new company, preparing for a wedding, trying to save a ton of money, giving up friends, and cramming my brain full of info for licensing for a new job is finally taking a toll on me. I just want to get away from it all for a bit.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Working with life insurance is strange...
...the conversation basically goes:
Life Insurance Company: Bet you're not gonna die!
Client: Bet you I will!
So I'm pretty much all moved in to my parent's house in San Jose and am going strong in my new job. It's a little bit strange going from starving waiter with dreams of finding a film production job to benefits consultant and insurance broker with dreams of finding a film production job.
Everything is a bit overwhelming right now as I'm trying to learn customer assistance, how to handle claim issues, how to make quotes, how to explain 401k, and get licensed in life/health/accident insurance...all at the same time.
But the truth is, I'm really enjoying where I'm at right now. I still want to thank all of you who gave me advice on this move. All of it was wonderfully helpful and made my decision that much easier. I also want to publicly thank Megan. I'm not sure I know of any significant others who would say, "Oh, we're getting married in a year and you want to move 450miles away from me? Ok!" I would be a mess if it were not for the support of my friends and family.
Other things that are happening: I'm learning Indian culture pretty quickly; I'm reuniting with some old high school friends; I'm eating better than I have in 8 years; and I'm still not used to having nights and weekends free (*shakes fist angrily at 4 years of working in the restaurant industry*).
I'll try to keep things updated here for anyone who checks the site. Also, if anyone is interested in how the wedding stuff is going, you can check out:
our wedding site
Hope all is well with everyone! Feel free to write or call any time so I can keep updated on you all.
...the conversation basically goes:
Life Insurance Company: Bet you're not gonna die!
Client: Bet you I will!
So I'm pretty much all moved in to my parent's house in San Jose and am going strong in my new job. It's a little bit strange going from starving waiter with dreams of finding a film production job to benefits consultant and insurance broker with dreams of finding a film production job.
Everything is a bit overwhelming right now as I'm trying to learn customer assistance, how to handle claim issues, how to make quotes, how to explain 401k, and get licensed in life/health/accident insurance...all at the same time.
But the truth is, I'm really enjoying where I'm at right now. I still want to thank all of you who gave me advice on this move. All of it was wonderfully helpful and made my decision that much easier. I also want to publicly thank Megan. I'm not sure I know of any significant others who would say, "Oh, we're getting married in a year and you want to move 450miles away from me? Ok!" I would be a mess if it were not for the support of my friends and family.
Other things that are happening: I'm learning Indian culture pretty quickly; I'm reuniting with some old high school friends; I'm eating better than I have in 8 years; and I'm still not used to having nights and weekends free (*shakes fist angrily at 4 years of working in the restaurant industry*).
I'll try to keep things updated here for anyone who checks the site. Also, if anyone is interested in how the wedding stuff is going, you can check out:
our wedding site
Hope all is well with everyone! Feel free to write or call any time so I can keep updated on you all.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Can I just say...
...I love my friends. And that includes you. Yes, you. I made my last post as a sort of desperate hail-mary. Not that I am going to base major life-changing decisions on comments from a blog; but I was hoping to get insight from someone outside of my immediate situation. To those of you who responded: thank you.
I know I haven't always been the best of friends. Ed, I never make it to your shows (damn this mostly weekend restaurant job). Aro, I'm flaky when it comes to reading scripts/comics and giving advice. Aaron and Kirsten, I have now failed twice to make it to your place to hang out. But despite my downfalls, you all stick by me.
The more I think about it, the more I feel sure that friendship is much more than society/media tells us. Here's how I see real friendship:
Friends Are:
-There when you need them, as well as when you feel you don't; because let's face it, you always need them.
-Those who, despite weeks/months/years passing between visits, feel as if you hung out with them just the other day.
-Willing to tell you that you are being ridiculous/stupid/stubborn even when they know you will temporarily hate them for it. And in the long run, that's part of why you have them around.
-Lifesavers when your life needs saving.
-One of the best parts of life.
Now forgive me for this sappy post. I just wanted to say thank you to all my friends. I am forever grateful for all the love you have bestowed upon me. Hopefully I have made you feel special a couple times as well.
...I love my friends. And that includes you. Yes, you. I made my last post as a sort of desperate hail-mary. Not that I am going to base major life-changing decisions on comments from a blog; but I was hoping to get insight from someone outside of my immediate situation. To those of you who responded: thank you.
I know I haven't always been the best of friends. Ed, I never make it to your shows (damn this mostly weekend restaurant job). Aro, I'm flaky when it comes to reading scripts/comics and giving advice. Aaron and Kirsten, I have now failed twice to make it to your place to hang out. But despite my downfalls, you all stick by me.
The more I think about it, the more I feel sure that friendship is much more than society/media tells us. Here's how I see real friendship:
Friends Are:
-There when you need them, as well as when you feel you don't; because let's face it, you always need them.
-Those who, despite weeks/months/years passing between visits, feel as if you hung out with them just the other day.
-Willing to tell you that you are being ridiculous/stupid/stubborn even when they know you will temporarily hate them for it. And in the long run, that's part of why you have them around.
-Lifesavers when your life needs saving.
-One of the best parts of life.
Now forgive me for this sappy post. I just wanted to say thank you to all my friends. I am forever grateful for all the love you have bestowed upon me. Hopefully I have made you feel special a couple times as well.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Undecided/Indecisive
This site has taken many turns. It started out as a goofy way to link to funny pictures and complain about my loner-status. It then became a semi-regular window into my life (and all activities I deemed "news worthy"). After that, I went through a serious phase where my posts all had weight and gravitas (or so I liked to think). Now? Now I try and mix all the good parts from the past. Funny links mixed with life-updates and a sprinkling of serious topics makes for, [once more] in my opinion, a decent site that one might choose to visit now and then.
What I have stayed away from is using this site for angry name-calling (though it was incredibly tempting at times), serious self-help (I tried to keep my serious problems cloaked in obscurity so as not to be shouting, "Pity me!"), or taking myself too seriously (I never want to think that I am special because I write some words on the internet). But...there are always exceptions to the rules (though a recent episode of House had House saying, "No, there are not exceptions to every rule, that's why they call them rules" or something like that). I am now going to use this site as a way to express mildly angry name-calling (breaking rule #1), procure self-help (breaking rule #2), and take myself seriously (breaking rule #3). Well, at least for this particular post. Then it's probably back to posts about skid-marks and pictures of raccoons procreating.
The name-calling comes into play because I am angry at the economy. I know, it's kinda meta, but I'm angry that I put so much time into my chosen career of "filmmaker" and now that I'm ready to embark upon that adventure, there seems to be no way into said career. Why couldn't the depression have taken place while I was in school and not looking for a film job? Now that I'm ready to get that perfect job, people are being laid off left and right and those fateful words of my film school teachers ("Oh, getting a post-production job will be easy") haunt me.
The self-help and taking myself seriously are almost one in the same. I have a dilemma. I want to make films. That is, as far as I can tell, my calling. But at the same time I am going to be married in almost exactly one year. I told myself I would not get myself into said situation (marriage) unless I could take care of myself and my wife financially. I never wanted to be that guy who gets married and then ends up working three minimum-wage jobs just to make ends meet. With the economy as it is, I don't see myself getting "that awesome film job" any time soon. Since I do want to have the money to enable a not-super-stressful first year of marriage, I am now considering alternatives job-wise.
The situation is basically as follows: I have the possible ability to take a job that is secure, safe, and pretty good in way of making money. This job, however, is not at all what I saw myself doing at any point in my life.
So the dilemma is as follows: do I continue the search for that perfect film job that will, at very least, allow me to financially support my future family; or do I take a job that will definitely allow me security even though it is not something I particularly want to do? Is this one of those give-and-take kinda things that I have heard are so vital to a good married life? Or am I being pessimistic in thinking that I cannot get the job I desire (and possibly hindering my future in the film business due to taking even more time away from it)?
Right now I am seriously considering taking the secure job as a in-between thing until I can get a job I will come home from feeling fulfilled and happy. If you read this site, I would love for your input. I'm a bit lost in all of this and I'm hoping that I will suddenly see a sign that says, "Do THAT! No, seriously, do it. It's for the best!" But I know that is unlikely. Life is all about taking risks; and I'm trying to figure out which risk to take.
Anyway, just some thoughts that I hoped to get some input on.
This site has taken many turns. It started out as a goofy way to link to funny pictures and complain about my loner-status. It then became a semi-regular window into my life (and all activities I deemed "news worthy"). After that, I went through a serious phase where my posts all had weight and gravitas (or so I liked to think). Now? Now I try and mix all the good parts from the past. Funny links mixed with life-updates and a sprinkling of serious topics makes for, [once more] in my opinion, a decent site that one might choose to visit now and then.
What I have stayed away from is using this site for angry name-calling (though it was incredibly tempting at times), serious self-help (I tried to keep my serious problems cloaked in obscurity so as not to be shouting, "Pity me!"), or taking myself too seriously (I never want to think that I am special because I write some words on the internet). But...there are always exceptions to the rules (though a recent episode of House had House saying, "No, there are not exceptions to every rule, that's why they call them rules" or something like that). I am now going to use this site as a way to express mildly angry name-calling (breaking rule #1), procure self-help (breaking rule #2), and take myself seriously (breaking rule #3). Well, at least for this particular post. Then it's probably back to posts about skid-marks and pictures of raccoons procreating.
The name-calling comes into play because I am angry at the economy. I know, it's kinda meta, but I'm angry that I put so much time into my chosen career of "filmmaker" and now that I'm ready to embark upon that adventure, there seems to be no way into said career. Why couldn't the depression have taken place while I was in school and not looking for a film job? Now that I'm ready to get that perfect job, people are being laid off left and right and those fateful words of my film school teachers ("Oh, getting a post-production job will be easy") haunt me.
The self-help and taking myself seriously are almost one in the same. I have a dilemma. I want to make films. That is, as far as I can tell, my calling. But at the same time I am going to be married in almost exactly one year. I told myself I would not get myself into said situation (marriage) unless I could take care of myself and my wife financially. I never wanted to be that guy who gets married and then ends up working three minimum-wage jobs just to make ends meet. With the economy as it is, I don't see myself getting "that awesome film job" any time soon. Since I do want to have the money to enable a not-super-stressful first year of marriage, I am now considering alternatives job-wise.
The situation is basically as follows: I have the possible ability to take a job that is secure, safe, and pretty good in way of making money. This job, however, is not at all what I saw myself doing at any point in my life.
So the dilemma is as follows: do I continue the search for that perfect film job that will, at very least, allow me to financially support my future family; or do I take a job that will definitely allow me security even though it is not something I particularly want to do? Is this one of those give-and-take kinda things that I have heard are so vital to a good married life? Or am I being pessimistic in thinking that I cannot get the job I desire (and possibly hindering my future in the film business due to taking even more time away from it)?
Right now I am seriously considering taking the secure job as a in-between thing until I can get a job I will come home from feeling fulfilled and happy. If you read this site, I would love for your input. I'm a bit lost in all of this and I'm hoping that I will suddenly see a sign that says, "Do THAT! No, seriously, do it. It's for the best!" But I know that is unlikely. Life is all about taking risks; and I'm trying to figure out which risk to take.
Anyway, just some thoughts that I hoped to get some input on.
Monday, May 04, 2009
More Memories
I realize that my memories of my “younger years” (put in quotes because, let’s face it, being 26 doesn’t exactly entitle me to phrases like, ‘When I was young,’ or, ‘back in my day’) are possibly excruciatingly unpleasant to read for those who do not fall in one of two categories: 1) Those who are not me, or 2) Those who do not care what influenced me to become the person I am today. I, however, ignore the lack of interest since, in my opinion, reliving past experiences through prose-like writing can help one come to terms with the past and shine a light on who we are to become. So, in other words, I don’t care if you don’t care…I want to do this.
Wow…that was scarily cynical and full of self-loathing. Sorry!
I’m 18 years old and close to graduating from high school. I’ve gone through many fashion phases (everything from goth to nerd) and have settled on Express (or whatever ‘Express Men’ was before it took the name of the previously purely feminine store) sweaters, semi-baggy jeans, and tennis shoes. My hair is nice cropped in a comb-over style. Since I drive my sister home after school, and since she is much more popular than I, I often have to wait for her to show up. She’s off talking and flirting and having a good time while I lean against a wall awkwardly waiting and not talking to anyone. I must have seen one too many fashion advertisements and subconsciously accepted model-poses as common ways to present oneself. I would stand there with my shoulder bag, leaning against the wall, one foot raised and pressed against the wall. My eyes somewhat downcast. Calvin Kline models always stand like this, so it must be normal…right? One day my sister tells me that I looked like an Express model, standing there in my sweater with my foot on the wall and my ‘devil-may-care’ expression. I took this as a good thing at the time. Now, I walk by the mannequins in the Express storefront and cringe at the thought that I once thought looking like that was cool.
I’m 19 years old and, through some good fortune (read: my parents are way too nice) drove a 1980 convertible Mercedes 450SL. I sped everywhere. And by ‘everywhere’ I mean that every time I entered the car and drove, I sped. Due to the age of the car, the speedometer only went to 85mph. On many occasions I pushed the needle to the stopper at 85mph. I often drove somewhere between 85mph and 100mph. I never knew how fast I was going; but speed was a fix I needed. I was driving home one night at about 1am; there was no traffic, which allowed me to push my acceptable speed limit to the max. It was sprinkling; and California freeways do not get the most moisture…causing an extreme lack of traction. I closed in on my exit, a turn that hit about 70 degrees or more, and flew up towards the light. As I hit the pinnacle of the turn my car slid. I was, luckily, on the inside lane, and my skid took me to the very edge of the outside lane where a huge ditch laid waiting. Less than 2 seconds felt like 5 minutes as I cranked the wheel and let go of the brake in hopes that I was doing the right action to save myself from rolling over. I pulled out of the slide and ended up right at the line of the stoplight. As my breathing slowed and my heart returned to its natural pace, I vowed to never disregard the laws of the road to that extent again.
I’m 20 years old and my brother and I decide to go out dancing. If you have seen Dane Cook’s older acts (before he started sucking hardcore) you might have seen his bit about the difference in guys going out dancing versus girls going out dancing. He basically says that girls go out dancing ‘just to dance’ to no other intentions, whereas you never hear of a group of guys going out and saying, ‘F girls tonight, I just wanna dance!.’ Well, my brother and I actually want out just to dance. We hit a local 18-and-up club and went about our normal procedure: I got a sprite and my brother got a vodka-redbull. I would pour my sprite out and we would stand in a dark corner where he would pour his drink into my now empty plastic cup (non-alcoholic drinks were poured into plastic cups). This club, however, was very keen on plans like ours, and 20 minutes later we are still trying to trade drinks. The bouncers have numbers on their backs and we see, no kidding, bouncer #37 pass us by. They have, at least 37 bouncers watching for illicit activity. We finally trade drinks, I down it in 2 gulps, and we dance. Hours pass and despite “hot” girls dancing inches away, we have tons of fun just goofing off and not ‘playing the game.’ To this day I have a hard time explaining that I have been to dance clubs without the intent to hook up.
I realize that my memories of my “younger years” (put in quotes because, let’s face it, being 26 doesn’t exactly entitle me to phrases like, ‘When I was young,’ or, ‘back in my day’) are possibly excruciatingly unpleasant to read for those who do not fall in one of two categories: 1) Those who are not me, or 2) Those who do not care what influenced me to become the person I am today. I, however, ignore the lack of interest since, in my opinion, reliving past experiences through prose-like writing can help one come to terms with the past and shine a light on who we are to become. So, in other words, I don’t care if you don’t care…I want to do this.
Wow…that was scarily cynical and full of self-loathing. Sorry!
I’m 18 years old and close to graduating from high school. I’ve gone through many fashion phases (everything from goth to nerd) and have settled on Express (or whatever ‘Express Men’ was before it took the name of the previously purely feminine store) sweaters, semi-baggy jeans, and tennis shoes. My hair is nice cropped in a comb-over style. Since I drive my sister home after school, and since she is much more popular than I, I often have to wait for her to show up. She’s off talking and flirting and having a good time while I lean against a wall awkwardly waiting and not talking to anyone. I must have seen one too many fashion advertisements and subconsciously accepted model-poses as common ways to present oneself. I would stand there with my shoulder bag, leaning against the wall, one foot raised and pressed against the wall. My eyes somewhat downcast. Calvin Kline models always stand like this, so it must be normal…right? One day my sister tells me that I looked like an Express model, standing there in my sweater with my foot on the wall and my ‘devil-may-care’ expression. I took this as a good thing at the time. Now, I walk by the mannequins in the Express storefront and cringe at the thought that I once thought looking like that was cool.
I’m 19 years old and, through some good fortune (read: my parents are way too nice) drove a 1980 convertible Mercedes 450SL. I sped everywhere. And by ‘everywhere’ I mean that every time I entered the car and drove, I sped. Due to the age of the car, the speedometer only went to 85mph. On many occasions I pushed the needle to the stopper at 85mph. I often drove somewhere between 85mph and 100mph. I never knew how fast I was going; but speed was a fix I needed. I was driving home one night at about 1am; there was no traffic, which allowed me to push my acceptable speed limit to the max. It was sprinkling; and California freeways do not get the most moisture…causing an extreme lack of traction. I closed in on my exit, a turn that hit about 70 degrees or more, and flew up towards the light. As I hit the pinnacle of the turn my car slid. I was, luckily, on the inside lane, and my skid took me to the very edge of the outside lane where a huge ditch laid waiting. Less than 2 seconds felt like 5 minutes as I cranked the wheel and let go of the brake in hopes that I was doing the right action to save myself from rolling over. I pulled out of the slide and ended up right at the line of the stoplight. As my breathing slowed and my heart returned to its natural pace, I vowed to never disregard the laws of the road to that extent again.
I’m 20 years old and my brother and I decide to go out dancing. If you have seen Dane Cook’s older acts (before he started sucking hardcore) you might have seen his bit about the difference in guys going out dancing versus girls going out dancing. He basically says that girls go out dancing ‘just to dance’ to no other intentions, whereas you never hear of a group of guys going out and saying, ‘F girls tonight, I just wanna dance!.’ Well, my brother and I actually want out just to dance. We hit a local 18-and-up club and went about our normal procedure: I got a sprite and my brother got a vodka-redbull. I would pour my sprite out and we would stand in a dark corner where he would pour his drink into my now empty plastic cup (non-alcoholic drinks were poured into plastic cups). This club, however, was very keen on plans like ours, and 20 minutes later we are still trying to trade drinks. The bouncers have numbers on their backs and we see, no kidding, bouncer #37 pass us by. They have, at least 37 bouncers watching for illicit activity. We finally trade drinks, I down it in 2 gulps, and we dance. Hours pass and despite “hot” girls dancing inches away, we have tons of fun just goofing off and not ‘playing the game.’ To this day I have a hard time explaining that I have been to dance clubs without the intent to hook up.
Friday, May 01, 2009
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