I'm not naming any names, but...

...it's not like I have to.

Once upon a time I put a lot of my heart and soul into a band. The angels sang and the heavens opened up and shone a beam of light down, the peasants rejoiced, and it was good.

Then it wasn't good.

Whether it was philosophical intimidation, stealing of the spotlight, or something much more mundane (and even more unexplainable), I was kicked from the band. Dodging lies and insults hurled in my direction, I found myself on the hurting end of what felt like a breakup where the last line spoken was, "It's not us, it's you."

Curiosity, though it did kill the cat, got the better of me recently. I decided to do some snooping to see how life is treating the band. Part of me wanted them to be doing well since one of my very good friends joined just as I was booted (so anything bad I could say about them would not be aimed at him in the least), but let's be honest, that was a very small part of me.

After looking around I had to laugh. Hard.

Here's a recap of what has happened since I left (as far as I can tell):

-The new bassist (who the band "leader" was already courting before my dismissal) is gone, thereby leaving the band a three-piece despite the intricacy of the songs requiring at least four.

-No new songs have been uploaded, which is funny since when I was in the band there was a new song up at least once a month.

-No dates to play any venues have been posted, which is funny since the only shows they boast of now (House of Blues, Hard Rock Cafe, etc) are from when I was in the band. "Oh poor me" blogs about being taken advantage of by the venues (as in not getting paid, which, if you know anything about small bands, is a given) is the only excuse.

-Fake news articles tout the band's amazing EP (an EP which, oddly enough, doesn't show off the real band since the songs are all (aside from crappy live recordings) the band "leader", by himself, in his room, recording into his computer with no accompaniment by the other band members) and attempt to garner publicity through deception.

-The biggest supporters of the band are still the fake MySpace friends that were created in attempt to start some sort of buzz about the band. Somehow ecstatic praise coming from "the girlfriend" or "the mom" doesn't seem to be quite as exciting.

-Their logo is still stolen from a sticker found in downtown Fullerton.

-The only seemingly new development is pictures from a photo shoot, which is exceedingly amusing considering that the fake news article espouses fake ideals about "the craft" being more important than "all these fake bands" who are all about "image." I'm not sure what the point of those comments are when the pictures are iconic, moody black and whites with costume sunglasses.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not, by any means, saying that *I* made the band, or that *I* was the only good thing in the band, or anything about *me*. What I'm saying is that it's always nice to look back at a situation in which you were horribly mistreated only to find that nothing good has come of it since you were no longer a part of it.

Sure, call me insensitive; call me anything you like, but it pretty much made my day.

-Freefalling

A Media Review...So You Don't Have To Think For Yourself!

I was on my way to work the other day and, as per usual, was listening to music. All my cd’s were in my room, Indi 103.1 in Brea sounds like a blocked porn channel on TV, KROQ was either blasting Guitar Center commercials with the loudest and most annoying announcer ever or playing that horrible Crazy Bitch song for the 5th time that hour, and my only option was some mixed rock, we-play-everything station. A song came on that at first caught my attention due to its abnormal beginning and kept my attention because it was like watching a train wreck. That song was Gwen Stefani’s new club hit Wind It Up. I thought we could go through the song and analyze Gwen’s musical genius.

A few points of clarification:

1- “lay-od-lay” type words are yodeling.
2- Despite having heard the song myself, I read “goatherd” as “go-therd” and thought “what the heck is a go-therd?” It’s goat-herd. Apparently it’s not hyphenated.
3- “uh, uh, uh” should be read as orgasmic exhalations.
4- Italicized words are the song lyrics.


High on the hills with the lonely goatherd, lay-od-lay-od-lay-he-hoo
Yodell back with the girl and goatherd, lay-od-lay-od-low

So we start with either a politically correct version of the shepherd (since most shepherds were men, but, come on, this is 2006, women can be shepherds dammit!), or possibly with a throwback to The Sound of Music with an all-singing, all-dancing extravaganza on a green hill with goats watching on.

Wind it up
Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low

Hmm…now things get interesting. We are whip-lashed from goat herding and green hills to the phrase “wind it up” being repeated. Let’s see where this goes, shall we?

(Yeah)

Yeah.

This is the key that makes us wind up
When the beat comes on, the girls all line up
And the boys all look, but no, they can't touch
But the girls want to know why the boys like us so much

“This” is the key is referring to something, but what? Yodeling? Why not switch the first two lines, talk about the beat and then say that it’s the key, then we know that the beat is the key. If that is, indeed, what Gwen is talking about. But I’m not sure. Also, “but” is used in most sentences to show why a previous statement is wrong or misguided or in need of review. So the boys want to look but they can’t touch (one assumes because the girls won’t let them), BUT the girls want to know why the boys like them. This is getting confusing.

They like the way we dance, they like the way we work
They like the way that L.A.M.B. is going across my shirt
They like the way my pants, it compliments my shape (She's crazy, right?)
They like the way we react everytime we dance

Ok, ok, so now we know why the boys like them: 1- They dance well, 2- They work, 3- They wear Gwen Stefani’s overpriced brand of clothing (yeah, I’m sure that’s why the boys are staring at the girl’s chests), 4- They like the way their pants fit (also, they must like proper grammar: “the way my pants, it compliments my shape”, ugh), 5- They like the way they react.

Everytime the bass bangs, realize it calls your name
Let the beat wind you up, and don't stop till your time is up
Get in line now

Alright, so now we know what is winding them up for sure…it’s the beat. Ooooh! A tie in to the second stanza!

Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low

Now back to the yodeling? Ok.

You've got to let the beat get under your skin
You've got to open up, and let it all in
But see, once it gets in, the poppin' begins
And then you find out, why all the boys stare

I’m attempting to ignore the atrocious rhyme scheme here (a,a,a,b) that doesn’t connect with any other stanza in order to understand the words. Alright, so now we know why the boys stare (which I guess is different then why they like the girls?), it’s the poppin’.

They're trying to bite our style
Trying to study our approach
They like the way we do it, so original
I guess that they are slow, so they should leave the room
This beat is for the clubs, and cars that go

Who’s trying to bite their style? Either the boys (they’re cross-dressing?) or the suddenly, “huh?”-inspiring introduction of the “other girls.” Who’s studying their approach? The boys? I thought the girls weren’t letting the boys anywhere near them, and if so, then why are the girls approaching the boys? Who likes the way they do what? What’s original? Who is slow and why should they leave? Is she making fun of retarded people? Ohhhh, I guess it all makes sense now; this beat is for clubs and non-broken cars.

Everytime the bass bangs, realize it calls your name
Let the beat wind you up, and don't stop till your time is up
Get in line now

Yeah, yeah…repetition.

Uh, uh, uh, wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
(Ya'll ready)

I’m ready!

Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low

Oh, that’s what I was getting ready for?

Uh huh, it's your moment
Uh huh, come on girl, you know you own it
Uh huh, you know your key is still tick-tockin'
Hell yeah, and you know they're watchin'

How does a key keep “tick-tockin’” exactly?

Get it girl, get it, get it girl
Get it girl, get it, get it girl
To the font, to the side,
To the back, but don't let him ride

So now she’s taking a line from a thousand other rap songs and teaching girls how to tease guys all the while making sure they simply enter the club, dance close to the guys, never let them touch them, and then leave all alone.

Keep goin' girl, it's your night
Don't let him steal your light
I know he thinks you're fine and stuff
But does he know how to wind you up?
(Come on)

How would the guy steal her light? Is he getting on stage and dancing in front of her? Is he wearing something skankier than her (ooh, this could go back to where the guys were trying to bite the girl’s style), what? Also, I’m so glad she says “I know he thinks you’re fine and stuff” because with all the blinding clarity in this song we needed an ambiguous word like “stuff” thrown in to clear things up.

Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low, hey!

Wow. What a beacon of enlightenment. What a gleaming example of rhyme scheme, assonance and alliteration, and proper grasp of the English language. What a glorious piece of artwork.

If you’d like to see the video for this wonderful song (maybe it will shine some light upon this piece of garbage) I’ve posted it below for your enjoyment or to your chagrin.




EDIT: I just watched the video for the first time and the only thing it clarifies is that The Sound of Music is indeed the inspiration for some of this (somehow). Other than that, your guess is as good as mine.