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I'll Believe that when Fish Fly

I have horrible horrible news to bestow upon you. The other night I was in bed, attempting to sleep, when the sound of screeching tires woke me from my slumber. Horns were honking, tires were squealing, high pitched girly-screams were echoing through the air, doors were opening and closing, and I awoke the next morning to find out some grave information. We were the victims of a brutal drive-by goldfishing. I know, I know...it's unbelievable, but it's true. For those of you who's lives have yet to be tainted by the cruelty of this world...I will explain what this means. As the car with the offenders drove by they rolled down the window and begin to assail our cars with baggies filled with water and goldfish. Luckily, the bags did not come untied and the fish survived. This harrowing experience has left us all checking under our beds at night, locking our doors, and not talking to strangers. I mean, what's next? Old shoes? Baked goods? Little old women being flung at our cars in the middle of the pitch-black night?

On a serious note...WHO THE HECK THROWS GOLDFISH?!?

Just so you all know, we have adopted the abused pets and they are living happily and healthily in our home.

*sings to the tune of the goldfishes commercial* "Bet you never thought one day you'd see a flying goldfish..."
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Evil Doctor Pain and His Whatchamacallit of Death

So today I went in for a checkup doctor appointment. Key words hear are "up" and "check" in no particular order. I was told that I would be coming in to have the doctor ask me a few questions. I, being the particularly gullible person I am, believed them under the false pretense of the argumentum ad authority. We are taught that doctors have our best interest in mind...but no my friends...we need to be taught the morbid truth of sadistic doctors under the guise of peaceful people who care deeply for our welfare. I walked in to the waiting room after peeing into a cup and expected to sit down in a chair, wait for the doctor, and answer some simple questions. I was slightly shocked to find the nurse prepping a needle, KY Jelly, and a large pair of metal forceps that go in reverse. Needless to say I was soon naked from the waist down having my urethra dilated....AGAIN. That's THREE times. THREE TIMES! I have had a chunk of metal inside my penis THREE TIMES! I cannot emphasize this enough. If I knew how to make the words blink and a wav. file scream "THREE TIMES!" I would have it happen. And that's not the best part. The best part is that I am signed up for a "checkup" in four months at which I will, once more, be completely violated by this sadist posing as a doctor. After it was done I felt like crying and just couldn't concentrate on the rest of my day. My entire day has sucked because of some simple scar tissue.

I fear I will never again know what it is like to pee normally and not even give it a second thought.



p.s. I'm realizing that I should probably just change the sites name to: 50Fifty...and stories about Grant's penis
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AIM is F'D

So I decided to talk to my good friend Jordan (the girl) on IM and something went wrong. Here's a slightly abridged transcript form that IM session:

G: yo!
J: grantman?
G: yup
J: is that you?
G: no, it's my evil twin. grant is dead.
G: so you'll just have to talk to me
J: i know you're saying stuff but i can't see anything
J: it's just showing up blank
G: hang on
**restarts IM**
G:NOW can you see my writing?
J:oh good
J:happy is important
J:are you in San Jose?
G:no
J:yes?
G:jordan....i have something to tell you....i'm gay
J:sweet! till thursday?
G:yes....just till thursday
G:oh...and i killed a man
J:friday?
G:that's when my next hit is
G:will you marry me?
J:was that a yes or a no?
G:that's what YOU have to tell ME
G:yes or no
G:marriage with me or not?
G:TELL ME
G:you don't love me....do you?
G:talk to me jordan....tell me the truth
J:well, since you're in town, we should hang out sometime really soon!
G:you're avoiding the issue at hand!
G:i need truth
J:oh good
J:i'm glad you're answering that affirmatively
J:i would LOVE to know what you're typing right now
J:it's kind of freaky to not know...
J:like I'm in Scream 4 or something...
G:i give up
G:you're just going to avoid everything i say now
G:that's it...i'm going to marry someone else
G:even though i would have changed my gay-ness just for you
J:i'll bet that was a witty comment you just made...
J:can you read what I'm saying?
G:yes
J:ah
J:i see
J:but not really
J:DANG IT!
G:goodbye forever jordan
G:FOREVER
J:i hope you can hang out. Is your week all booked up?
G:I said goodbye!
J:okay cool
G:i'm leaving since you'd mashed my heart up like a stepped on slug
J:THERE'S NO USE TYPING ME BIG MESSAGES I CAN'T SEE!!!!
J:just stick to one *brrrrrrring!* for yes and two for no!
J:my mom and i are hitting up a spa on thurs
J:but any other day is good
G:f
G:f
J:hmmm...that was a no
J:what are you no-ing?
J:hanging out this week?
G:f
J:so you're NOT in town?
G:f
G:f
J:so you ARE in town
G:f
G:f
J:darn it! this whole time I thought you were in TOWN!!
J:well geez!
J:that makes half the conversation irrelevant
J:come HOME for crying out loud!
G:f
G:f
G:f
J:yeah- well right back at you, pal
J:take THAT!
G:f
G:f
J:YES!
G:f
G:f
J:YES!
G:f
J:HA!

p.s. no, I'm not gay. but yes...I expect Aaron, Ed, and Christina to all have a field day with this.
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Don't ask.....just don't ask

There's Treasure Everywhere!

In honor of Aaron and his recent spam poetry, and the website he stole it from that is purely dedicated to spam poetry...I have decided to submit some of my own spam poetry. You can too! Simply take your spam, copy and paste, and BAM...poetry!

My Ode to the Internet

GRANT Which fifty dollar gift card do you want?
First West: Paige…basis point
Forget Cable
Saudi Security Kills Top Al-Qaida
Saudi Lifestyle: business and women
Not Married!
Support application
Visit the Webs favorite meeting Place
Enter your expanded use number
New pill helps you keep pace

Now wasn't that fun?
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The Narcissistic Crow

For months now this one crow has been coming back to my house. He sits on a window ledge and he caws loudly and pecks even louder at our window. I realized that the window is a 1-way window, so it's mirrored on the crow's side. I guess he likes to look at himself for long periods of time while pretending he's a woodpecker and freaking annoying everyone in the house with his loud pecking. So I took a picture of him.


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We Like to Sit Around and Get Real Paid...

So I've spent well over 30 hours sitting at my computer lining up clips of audio with clips of video. And so goes the exciting, adventure-filled life of an assistant editor. I won't go into the details because after I was done I wanted to gouge out my eyes and cut off my hands so I could never use a computer again...or maybe cut off my hands and then gouge out my eyes with the dull stubs where my hands used to be. Oh...and I did it just because I need more stuff on my reel...not for money.

On another note...my internship employers are the biggest slackers in the world. My boss doesn't even listen to me when he calls on the phone. He called to ask me something and then asked how I was doing. Here's how that part of the conversation went:

him: So how are you doing?
me: I'm really sick and haven't been able to do any work.
him: **pause**So you're stayin busy.
me: Um...well.....
him: Alright, talk to you later.
**click**

It's not that he SEEMS spacey...he DIDN'T EVEN HEAR ME. Oh, and guess who hasn't been paid for 5 months? Me! I keep asking and somehow nobody seems to notice. I'm sure this is illegal somehow but I just don't care enough. I just want my money and then I want to sit naked in front of a fan because the last couple days have been so hot that it's been hard to breathe.

Have you ever found out how someone from your past is living their life and you just have to laugh? You just have to think to yourself, "Gosh...I'm glad I'm not a part of that." I guess some people never grow up...or are already grown up and have simply proven to be deficient adults. Puts a smile on my face.
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Quote of the Day

(WARNING: This post contains profanity and is not suitable for children under 13, children over 13, or anyone for that matter)

Naomi and I walked up to the BofA ATM machines and there was an old man with a cane at the middle machine. We stood waiting as the old man, visibly perturbed, ripped the receipt from the machine and muttered out "asshole motherfucker" quite loudly. I guess the ATM wasn't doing what he wanted it to do.
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Just So You Know.....

There is only ONE kind of music that completely gets on my nerves and makes me really angry.

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