I can't think of a good title

I'm off to 2 birthdays and a wedding. In San Jose. And one of the birthdays is mine. But it's not really during the time I'm home. But that doesn't really matter. Anyway...I know you'll all miss me terribly. Try not to cry too much.

...

After they finished having sex in the bathroom and I had gone in to mop, their friend started throwing up in the parking lot. The girl dressed like a 70's something or other asked for a trash bag for their friend's clothes.

In Honor of Ed...

I was reminded today that I have had this site for over 3 years now. 3 years! That's a long time. When I started:

I was about to turn 19........................now I'm about to turn 22.
I was a lowly freshmen.......................now I'm about to graduate.
I was in a horrible relationship...........now I couldn't ask for a better one.
I didn't play any instruments..............now I have 3 years bass experience.
I lived in the dorms............................now I live in a house.

etc....etc....etc.....

So in honor of 3 years of rambling...here's a story about drugs:

Two guys walk into *bucks. But there's no punch line here. These guys show up around 4:15am. We're not even open yet, just setting up. The second we open they come in, hyper as can be. I thought they were off to some meeting or maybe on a business trip and had to fly out early. But they wouldn't leave. They both immediately used the restroom and downed a couple cups of coffee.

That's when it dawned on me. They were high.

They were touching everything, talking a mile a minute, sweating profusely, pacing, twitching, and seriously invading everyone's personal space. They were drinking tons of water, explaining that they hadn't slept all night, rambling about crashing and needing more coffee, and...generally...annoying everyone.

Ah methamphetamines.

After they used the restroom about 4 more times a piece it dawned on me that they were snorting/shooting up in there. They stayed for about 7 hours. They sat at a table outside and went over script ideas. As I went to empty the trash I could overhear little bits of their conversation/script ideas:

I don't like women....but I like girls. I don't like women...but I like girls. I don’t like women...

Apparently, the night before, one of them got engaged and was accepted into the screen actors guild.

You Know You Spend Too Much Time at the Doctor When...

I walked into room 101 and headed towards the window.

Hi Grant! one of the three women cheerfully shouts.

Another of them says, Looks like you got a haircut.

It makes you look happier the third woman chimes in.

The little old woman who has seen my penis more times in the past year than I ever expected someone who's name I didn't even know to have seen it walked towards me. She held the urinalysis cup in her hand and sort of danced it around in the air like you would do to a baby that didn't want to eat it's strained carrots.

I followed her into the examination room and on her way out said, You know what to do and closed the door behind her.

Doctor K didn't even tell me what he was doing this time. Everything was deja vu and he proceeded to tell the nurse a little story about his daughter instead of paying attention to me and explaining his actions. The song It's All Been Done Before played in my head. He didn't even try and tell me to relax this time.

Within 15 minutes I was dressed again and Doctor K was drawing me a picture of my urethra and signing me up for another dilation in December.

Maybe next time he'll at least buy me dinner before touching my penis.

Um...

Right now when you go to Hotmail, over on the left, where there are normally news articles, there is a picture of a little girl putting on lipstick. The clickable caption to the right of it says, "Hot on Hotmail: Girl applying lipstick." Oh, and the girl is like 8. When you click on the link it comes up with a page that says "No such link."

Looks like Hotmail is entering a whole new world of financial possibility.

MORE RESULTS!!!

Thanks to Aro (who's in Spain) I have more result. Read it and weep. (same rules as last time)


Grant has been going to the yogurt dispenser in order to have medical procedures done to his thumbnail. He even had a platypus in his Inner Thigh and he had to Kablam in a liberty.


Grant works at a Shark wrangling company and he makes scoops. He wears a pterodactly green rock-star wrist band and drinks too much molten lava. The high-flying customers really get on his nerves and he wants to face-plant them all.


Grant is in Destruct-o-tron school learning to meow film. He wants to work with rippling people and make stone for a living.


Grant has lots of medical problems. These include: an upper arm that has been broken twice, a nostril clogged with scar tissue, a mohawk that has sharp burning pain every so often, multiple Furbys and Super Ninjas on his leg hairs at any given time, and a rear end that is still not healed after a golfing accident.


Grant is dating Princess Zelda. This upcoming September, they will have been together for 3 1\2 years. Princess Zel always tells Grant to inhale his pie, but Grant never listens. At this very moment, Grant’s penguin is still horribly freaking cold!


Grant is very banished right now and should probably not be yelping on his hair-raising pirate. Since that is the case, he is going to love to dolphin as soon as this ferocious army is completed.

See ya'll next time. I need to find a blanket for my penguin.

RESULTS!!!

Thanks to Kyle....HI KYLE!....I have some results from my madlib thing. I was sorely disappointed to find out that nobody answered my oh-so-fun post, so here are the results of the one and only cool person out there. The bold words are the filled in responses.



Grant has been going to the hooker in order to have medical procedures done to his spleen. He even had a swiss army knife in his sphincter and he had to throw in a peanut.


Grant works at Dr. Val?s k9 Crisis Veterinary Center and he makes scissors. He wears army green rubber gloves and drinks too much blue raspberry icee. The dizzy customers really get on his nerves and he wants to falling them all.


Grant is in pet rock school learning to hit film. He wants to work with soft people and make JFK for a living.


Grant has lots of medical problems. These include: gums that have been broken twice, a big toe clogged with scar tissue, a love handle that has sharp burning pain every so often, multiple feathers and police on his hairs at any given time, and a lymph node that is still not healed after a golfing accident.


Grant is dating Lorenna. This upcoming September, they will have been together for 13 years. Lorenna always tells Grant to cut his dumpster, but Grant never listens. At this very moment, Grant's death valley is still horribly sweaty.


Grant is very dead right now and should probably not be sawing on his large pencil. Since that is the case, he is going to run to spoon as soon as this broken Grant is completed.


p.s. I am highly disturbed to find out that my death valley is still horribly sweaty.

Insomniacs on Ice

It was Friday and I only had one class to attend. That night I had woken up at least 3 times feeling rushed and worried that I was missing something or was late to something. I guess that should have clued me in. I strolled into my room at 9:45 and for no apparent reason double-checked the start time of my class. I KNEW it started at 9pm. It started at 9am.

I ran out the door wearing the same clothes I wore the day before and started to skate to school as fast as I possibly could. Room 150 is all I cared about. I showed up and ran into the building scanning the room numbers. It was 9:58 and I wasn't too late. I showed up only to find out that room 150 is not a room at all...instead it is a hallway of teacher's offices. Oh goody. So I went to the office to ask where the class was. It was in the goldroom...which is a good mile from campus. The online schedule I was given was wrong. And I had no car.

The temperature was already around 90 degrees and I was pedaling way too hard. I hit an intersection and stopped along side a jogger to wait for a car to pass. We both started going since this red mustang just pulled up and stopped at the stop sign. I was halfway across the intersection when out of my peripheral vision I saw the red mustang coming towards me. Suddenly everything was in slow motion. I assessed the situation and leapt from my skateboard, flew through the air, hand-planted off the hood of the car, was hit in the leg and lower back by said car, and landed a few feet away. I turned around, unbelieving of what just took place. This guy had just hit me. And his car was on my skateboard. I had to ask him to back up so I could pull it from under his wheel. He offered me a pathetic "sorry" and I ignored him and skated away swearing at him in my head.

I got to the goldroom and ran inside. I was a sweaty mess and I couldn't breathe, but at least I had made it and it was only 10:10....the class didn't end till 11:15. I asked an employee where the class was taking place and, yes, you guessed it, the class was let out early.

I exhaustedly skated back to my house to take a shower.

Seriously...does this kind of thing happen to everyone or is there some practical joke group out there specifically assembled to put me in unbelievable situations?