Grantlibs

Alright everyone, it's time for some mad madlib action. Fill in the blanks below and then insert them into the appropriate spaces in the sentences. If any of them turn out funny, send them to me and I'll post them. Have fun! (p.s. the dashes are not the number of letters that are supposed to be in the word)

1-profession____________
2-body part_____________
3-noun_________________
4-body part____________
5-verb_________________
6-noun_________________

7-business_____________
8-noun________________
9-color________________
10-artical of clothing_______________
11-liquid_______________
12-adjective____________
13-verb________________

14-noun_______________
15-verb________________
16-adjective____________
17-noun_______________

18-body part___________
19-body part___________
20-body part___________
21-plural noun____________
22-plural noun____________
23-body part (plural)____________
24-body part______________

25-girl's name_____________
26-number________________
27-same girl's name______________
28-verb______________
29-noun_____________
30-noun______________
31-adjective___________

32-adjective___________
33-verb ending in "ing"_____________
34-adjective____________
35-noun_______________
36-verb________________
37-noun_______________
38-adjective___________
39-noun_______________




























Grant has been going to the (1)_________ in order to have medical procedures done to his (2)_______. He even had a (3)_________ in his (4)__________ and he had to (5)_________ in a (6)_________.


Grant works at (7)__________ and he makes (8)___________. He wears a (9)_________ (10)_________ and drinks too much (11)____________. The (12)___________ customers really get on his nerves and he wants to (13)___________ them all.


Grant is in (14)__________ school learning to (15)_________ film. He wants to work with (16)__________ people and make (17)_________ for a living.


Grant has lots of medical problems. These include: a (18)_________ that has been broken twice, a (19)____________ clogged with scar tissue, a (20)___________ that has sharp burning pain every so often, multiple (21)_________ and (22)_________ on his (23)__________ at any given time, and a (24)__________ that is still not healed after a golfing accident.


Grant is dating (25)___________. This upcoming September, they will have been together for (26)_________ years. (27)__________ always tells Grant to (28)_________ his (29)__________, but Grant never listens. At this very moment, Grant?s (30)________ is still horribly (31)__________.


Grant is very (32)__________ right now and should probably not be (33)__________ on his (34)__________ (35)____________. Since that is the case, he is going to (36)___________ to (37)___________ as soon as this (38)_________ (39)__________ is completed.


goodnight.

......and then I found five dollars.

Here are some rational thoughts that I wish I could inject into most of the worlds populous.

-Marriage for Dummies
Getting married at a really young age isn't stupid. Getting married at a really young age when you are not financially stable IS stupid. Then again...getting married at ANY age when you are not financially stable is stupid. I have some good friends, and some casual acquaintances who are married...and who are younger than I am. Sure this freaks me out, but that's not the point. Take this girl I know who I will call X for anonymity. X went to my high school and is my age. X got married at the age of 20, and though her parents are absurdly wealthy, she and her husband cannot afford to even live on their own. So here is X and her husband, Y, who are now living with X's parents and holding minimum wage jobs in hopes that some day they can live in their own house and have some privacy. As for now, X still has to ask daddy for spending money when she wants to go buy a pizza.

Seriously, what is so hard about waiting? X loves Y. Y loves X. Why will it make ANY difference if they get married at 20, or at 25. Those five years can make all the difference in being able to take care of a family. Sigh....

-Driving Lessons for the Painfully Stupid
Let's say we're taking a road trip. Let's say we're on the 5. Let's say we're going to be on the 5 for about 300 miles (since this was my situation four days ago). You have two choices. You can sit back and relax; pass if necessary and drive like a normal person. OR... you can commit these travesties: 1-riding 3 inches from the bumper of the car in front of you until they move, even though the lane to their right was clear for passing. 2-going absurd speeds to pass the car in front of you in order to get there before you have to slow down because of the semi-truck in the other lane, only to be stuck behind the next car which is an amazing 10 feet farther up the road....then doing this again and again and again. 3-riding 1 inch from the bumper of the car in front of you showing as much impatience as possible until the car moves over into the other lane so you can pass, only to have you slow down again, or go JUST fast enough so as not to pass the car that graciously moved over for you.

None of these will get you to your destination more than 5 minutes faster. All of these will raise your chances of getting a ticket or getting in an accident. Sigh....

-You are not God's gift to mankind
Parents: Letting your 10 year old girl dress like a hooker does not make you cool...but it does give 50 year old men something to look at. Ignoring the subject of sex completely, or calling it "of the devil" will only spur your little ones to want to try it more (check the stats on Jr. high sex). Sheltering your little baby from the big bad world will only work for so long...and if done to the extreme, will only backlash and lead to complete lack of thought when it comes to your kid being away from home (why do you think sex/drugs/drinking are so rampant among the kids of the strictest of Christian homes?)

Girls: Wearing slutty clothes will not make up for your beer belly. A thong sticking 4 inches out of your pants will not attract your knight in shining armor, unless your knight in shining armor keeps a tally of all the girls he has scored with. Calling yourself "princess", "queen", "hot", or "spoiled" only means one thing to guys...stay away from that girl. Fake breasts are super attractive...to guys who are purely (and only) obsessed with the physical (ie: not the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with). Just because the world (ie: Cosmo magazine) says that guys play mind games, does not make it true...believe me, what a guy says is what a guy means 95% of the time.

Guys: Games such as burnout, bloody knuckles, and gas pedal do not put you in a good light with the girls, unless you want to be seen as sophomoric or infantile. Working out till your man-boobs are big enough to need a bra will not attract the ladies. You are not going to find a girl who plays video games, farts, burps, watches porn, loves cars, plays sports, and loves sex even more than you...so stop looking. Pride is not attractive. Flashing money will attract needy women...just what you want, right?

Everyone: Reading a book won't kill you (and I mean a book without pictures). Figuring out why you believe what you believe is probably a smart idea. Religion is not a crutch...calling religion a crutch is a crutch. Spouting anti-america, anti-corporation, and anti-government lyrics is just a wee bit self-refuting when you are doing so on a major radio station. If you hate Bush/consumerism/capitalism so much...go spend a few weeks in Cuba. Stop arguing about issues you don't know anything about.

.....ok, I'm off my soapbox.

p.s. I have a friend who would always tell these really long stores that would go on and on and on and then suddenly stop. Everyone listening would keep staring as if waiting for the rest of the story, only there was no more story. They were just pointless stories. After a while, she realized that people never knew what the stories were about, so she started to tack on, "....um....and then I found five dollars." If everything you say needs said suffix...rethink what you're saying.

Hydracodene and Saltines

Wednesday the 11th I woke up around 10:30 in a white room, naked expect for a paper thin sheet, and I knew for a fact that I had been naked in front of at least 5 people and at least one of them had been touching my penis. No no, I'm not filing for sexual assault...I paid them to do this. I paid them at least $12,000 in fact. Yes, friends, it's time for another installment of "Grant Had Penis Surgery!"

No worries...no details this time. My first doctor was an idiot and messed me up a little. I have a new doctor who knew what he was doing, so once more I went under the knife. I can't believe I've been through well over a year of pain for a simple eighth inch of scar tissue. Alas...what is normally a small ordeal has become the bain of my existence.

The funny part about the whole thing is that I had to wear a catheter for 9 days. I felt like a super hero who never had to go to the bathroom. Sure it kinda leaked out of me into a plastic bag thing tied to my thigh...but technically I never had to GO to the bathroom. If I had a bottle with me, I could take a 24 hour road trip and never stop. That's not to say it wasn't the most annoying thing in the entire universe.

So I was hopped up on Vicodin and eating saltines for a day or two. Oh, and drinking at least 2 liters of water a day. Go find something in the store that is 2 liters. It's HUGE. I had to drink that every day. I would just sit there and drink water all day. It's really amazing how quickly water goes right through you when your bladder muscles are bypassed. Plus, working at *bucks on Vicodin is fun.

So now I have a month to heal and then it's right back to more cysto-dilations. The non-under-anesthesia kind. And I have at least 4 or 5 more of those.

There was this video in the doctor's office entitled, "What Every Man Should Know About His Prostate." I got thinking...I don't know too much about my prostate....what vital information is on this video? I may never know.

CONTEST TIME!!!
If anyone (but Naomi) can tell me what the little tube taped to a wall, or a cabinet, or a towel dispenser in every single doctor's office is, I will give them a dollar.

p.s. It's road trip time. I'll have pictures when I get back.

To Paraphrase a Scene from Garden State:

"There's a point where your house is no longer your home. Eventually you have to create a new home with your new family. I'm homesick for a place that doesn't exist."

It's so bizarre, but this is exactly what I was explaining to someone very recently. The transition between the place you grew up being home and the place you grew up not being home is so quick that you do a double take. Last summer I didn't go home to live. And the summer before that it seemed like I was just home to visit. Just to visit the place that I lived for 13 years of my life. Most people end up getting a call from their parents that goes like this:

parent: "Hey there."
kid: "Hey."
parent: "You know how you don't really live at home anymore?"
kid: "Um....yeah?"
parent: "Well, we're turning your room into the new gym/office/champagne room."
kid: "Um...ok?"

Though my conversation with my dad went a little bit differently. He called me about a week ago and the voice message went something like this:

dad: "Hey grant. Hope you're doing well. Grandpa has advanced lung cancer and won't be alive for much longer, so I've started moving things out of your room so he can stay there since he probably won't last much longer."

Wee! I guess your room, even if your house is no longer your home, is still your room. It has your stuff in it. Your secrets. And then it doesn't one day.

So here I am, "homeless" until some day I create a new home. And oddly enough, create a new family. You never think when you're a kid that one day you'll have a "new family," but I guess that's how you could think of it. Anyway.

Countdown to surgery #2: T-minus 3 days, 11 hours, 20 minutes, 32 seconds.

Oh, and Garden State was excellent. Very much so. See it.

I'm Falling Apart...

It's 1:51am and I am sincerely worried that my leg is broken. I mean...I'm sure it's not, but it's hard to be sure of that when you directly slam the shinbone into a metal pole (that just so happens to be perfect grant-shin height) and now you can hardly walk on it, put any pressure on it, and it's swollen to the size of a marble. A medium sized marble. You know.

So now I have a bad of ice taped to my leg because I couldn't type and hold it on my leg at the same time. Only I'm in my boxers so I had to scotch tape the freezer bag full of ice to my bare leg.

Let's count down Grant's physical ailments:

1 seemingly broken shin
1 broken penis (ok ok, not broken)
1 off and on horrendous pain in the same shin (only not caused from this accident)
1 hurt wrist
A myriad of cuts/burns/bruises from *bucks

I'm really not trying to complain. I'm just writing while I wait for the prerequisite 15 minutes of icing is up so I can try and sleep. I will gladly accept comments such as, "What a wimp!" or "Stop whining you baby!" or "You're such a _____" (fill in blank with your favorite word)

g'night