A Homoerotic Epic of Bad Acting, Bad Writing, and Bad Directing...OR: Why A Couple Hundred Million Dollars Won't Guarantee You A Good Film...OR: How I Wasted 3 Hours of My Time
If you haven't guessed, I'm talking about the recently released "Alexander." This was literally the worst film I have seen in a very very long time. I don't walk out of films...ever; but I was so close to walking out of this film that I even surprised myself. Let's discuss the finer points of this masterpiece:
The Alexandrian army was using everything from Scottish to British accents, almost all the men were wearing eyeliner, at least two characters had identical eye-gouged-out-scars that weren't even good, there were at least 3 completely androgynous characters, the plot (though mostly historically accurate) was confusing, the timing was ridiculously slow or fast respectively in the completely wrong places, the countless longing looks between Alexander and other men were completely laughable, there was almost no believable acting, the writing was so cliche I thought it was on purpose for humor's sake, and 10 minutes into the film I was already ready for it to be over.
Seriously, just don't see it. I beg of you. Don't see it or you will regret it. There was nothing redeeming about the film. You want some good war scenes? Watch Braveheart or something...anything other than "Alexander."
Oh man...I hope I don't dream about it.
After Ignoring My Website for Some Time...
...I'm back to ramble some.
I'm pretty much more stressed than I have ever been other than that one time I had 2 weeks to learn a semi-lead part for a play and I pretty much had a nervous breakdown. But other than that...yeah, this whole movie thing takes the cake. And I don't want it to take the cake. I like the cake. In fact, if I had the cake right now I would have a piece, but no...the movie thing has taken my precious cake and now I am left cakeless and alone.
On the other hand, my movie should turn out pretty dang good.
Here's a mini-update in one jumbled paragraph: I saw the Grudge and was pretty much scared to sleep for a couple nights, I got a little bit of a raise at *bucks, I was mistaken for Chad Murrey (that kid from One Tree Hill or who used to be on Dawson's Creek), I registered for the last classes I will ever take at Chapman, I got a tiny bit of sleep, I won some tickets at Dave and Busters, I let my room slowly deteriorate and still have no intention of cleaning it, I took on two huge editing projects at the same time, I didn't have my penis dilated (wow, I haven't even mentioned it in a long time), I nearly failed a science test, and I spent a ton more money on the pre-production of my 4 minute film.
Now it's time to sleep. Tomorrow I have to take step 8/35 to get permits to use fake guns in public.
Goodnight...goodnight...again I say goodnight.
Reason #47 Why I Hate Spiders
I pulled my car up to the house the other night and right before I turned off my lights I saw a huge black spider on the wall by our mailbox. I ignored it and went to bed. The next day I looked there again, just to see, and to my surprise the spider was still there. Only this was no ordinary spider. This was, literally, the biggest spider I have ever seen outside of a zoo type environment other than a tarantula. It was so massive and so pitch black that I was afraid to get within 10 feet of it. So I got wasp killer that sprays up to 20 feet. I tried to build up some confidence and then started soaking the monstrosity to no end. As it spun around I noticed something on its underside...that's right...a red hourglass. It was the mother of all black widows. I smashed it with a newspaper and for the rest of the day I felt like I had spiders crawling all over me.
Today I found yet another black widow in almost the same place. It was smaller...but like that matters.
If I stop writing you'll know that the black widows have taken over the house and I am wrapped up frodo-style in a giant web. If that happens and you come and save me I might give you a dollar or something cool like that.
