A Homoerotic Epic of Bad Acting, Bad Writing, and Bad Directing...OR: Why A Couple Hundred Million Dollars Won't Guarantee You A Good Film...OR: How I Wasted 3 Hours of My Time

If you haven't guessed, I'm talking about the recently released "Alexander." This was literally the worst film I have seen in a very very long time. I don't walk out of films...ever; but I was so close to walking out of this film that I even surprised myself. Let's discuss the finer points of this masterpiece:

The Alexandrian army was using everything from Scottish to British accents, almost all the men were wearing eyeliner, at least two characters had identical eye-gouged-out-scars that weren't even good, there were at least 3 completely androgynous characters, the plot (though mostly historically accurate) was confusing, the timing was ridiculously slow or fast respectively in the completely wrong places, the countless longing looks between Alexander and other men were completely laughable, there was almost no believable acting, the writing was so cliche I thought it was on purpose for humor's sake, and 10 minutes into the film I was already ready for it to be over.

Seriously, just don't see it. I beg of you. Don't see it or you will regret it. There was nothing redeeming about the film. You want some good war scenes? Watch Braveheart or something...anything other than "Alexander."

Oh man...I hope I don't dream about it.