Reason #47 Why I Hate Spiders

I pulled my car up to the house the other night and right before I turned off my lights I saw a huge black spider on the wall by our mailbox. I ignored it and went to bed. The next day I looked there again, just to see, and to my surprise the spider was still there. Only this was no ordinary spider. This was, literally, the biggest spider I have ever seen outside of a zoo type environment other than a tarantula. It was so massive and so pitch black that I was afraid to get within 10 feet of it. So I got wasp killer that sprays up to 20 feet. I tried to build up some confidence and then started soaking the monstrosity to no end. As it spun around I noticed something on its underside...that's right...a red hourglass. It was the mother of all black widows. I smashed it with a newspaper and for the rest of the day I felt like I had spiders crawling all over me.

Today I found yet another black widow in almost the same place. It was smaller...but like that matters.

If I stop writing you'll know that the black widows have taken over the house and I am wrapped up frodo-style in a giant web. If that happens and you come and save me I might give you a dollar or something cool like that.