I will simply wish you dreams of beautiful meaning

since wishing you beautiful dreams does not always work

anti-creativity

SIGH INTO ME IF THE ONLY TRUTH LEFT
IS A YEARNING DESIRE TO LEAVE IT BEHIND
OR IF PRISITINE COLLECTIONS OF SHINY NEW LIES
ARE UNFOLDING UNSTOPPABLE INTO ME SIGH

HOLD ONTO ME IF THE ONLY LIGHT LEFT
IS A FLICKERING REMNANT OF WHAT WAS ONCE BRIGHT
OR IF CLOSURE OF MOONLIGHT YOU CANNOT FIND
IN A WORLD OF DECEPTION HOLD ON TO ME TIGHT

BELIEVE IN ME IF THE ONLY LOVE LEFT
IS A SETTLING FOR SECOND WHICH AWAY COULD FLY
OR IF UNSTEADY LUST IS NOT WHAT MAKES YOU CRY
FORGET ALL PAST PAIN AND BELIEVE I AM RIGHT



::



i know the truth when i see you
i see what you don't want me to
feigned innocence is lost on me
you are the one that i persued
you left so quick in solitude
unknowingly you set me free

Logic Will Break Your Heart

I have successfully "completed" my first day of what is sure to be a rigorous test of my wits. And I'm off to a strange start. I hate being late, yet I was almost late to both of my classes. Once due to a trainee at the campus coffee shop, and once due to lack of parking.

8:30am is metaphysics with a mental giant of the philosophy world and an utter genius who expects anyone and everyone to be able to understand the simpler side of an unsimple subject though none of us do.

And each time I come home I walk into my new room and half forget that I have yet to unpack half of my things due to constant distraction from old pictures and poems, new art projects, attempts at decorating, and tripping over boxes and smacking my shins into hard objects.

Somehow I feel at home in the messiness.

So I sit here with a mudslide from a plastic jug entitled Friday's Mudslide and I already make plans for crazy adventures to Vegas and Arizona and ignore the unpacked boxes and really ignore certain memories which are brought boldly into the present due to artifacts of an older life.

Life is truly unpredictable, interesting, and above all...good.

I'm so alone tonight, my bed feels larger than when I was small.

Penguins and Panthers and Shamrocks Oh My!

Deja vu. I was just here. Here being sitting on the floor of a mostly empty room with a few taped up boxes replacing the furniture, a laptop replacing the G5, and a few feelings replacing others.

And I'll be doing this again within the next 4 years.

This summer has been the most change I have ever been through in my entire life. I'm talking change that beats out puberty, realizing girls don't have cooties, and moving away to college all rolled into one.

Somewhere between staying up all night countless times, eating more del taco than I ever thought possible, bowling tournaments, new jobs, broken hearts, new homes, introduction into a shady underworld, getting into trouble with the Tamarack Girls, fauxhawks, major record lables, new friends, old friends, new friends who feel like old friends, and playing spin the knife in the middle of a crowded Fridays, I realized that my life is so completely different than I ever imagined it that it kind of freaked me out.

Then I realized that the only thing worse than finding yourself somewhere new and crazy and different than you ever expected, is finding yourself exactly where you saw yourself 10 years go.

So here's to the unknown, the surprises, the unexpected, and the slow unveiling of where life will lead.



p.s. That was horribly sappy and overemotional. Sorry. I'll get back to being caustic and unrelenting sooner or later.

Not Goodbye...Till Next Time

Green bottles of not quite frozen liquid crystal glasses from which are poured liquid fortune or liquid misfortune either way are encouraged and partaken.

Hour hand slipping and sliding with seconds as fast as the time when I couldn't stand time's passing. Black skys go grey till pink ferments upon purples and blues and whites finally greys. Covers hide truths from inquiring eyes and our minds are confused since this is not the usual.

Water hides what cannot quite be hidden due to self inflicted death of innocence and purity. Hands which once covered eyes from such deftly impulses now reach for and yearn for what was once thought impulsive.

Knives spinning round and round round till a stopped blade will require public indifference and secret desire. Shadows and reflection bounce off and reveal the truth of circumstances rather than our veiled visions.

Borrowed light borrowed glass borrowed rooms borrowed else fulfills previous envisioned acts of previous unreality. A breath and a look and a touch and a glance and a thought and a smirk which could mean anything. A stumble. Few words despite lack of any words being necessary. Few things despite many things being important.

Rising needle falling limits watchful eyes blinking eyes. Sitting hopeful yet all knowing of what minutes later will bring. Quick thinking thought to be witty or maybe hopeful falls short of what hopefully in previous moments was going to be miraculous. No words or any actions plus no time or any chances could cause embracing of said circumstances or full enjoyment of said times.

Hazy mind fully clear now with decisive impertinence unsure of so many things once thought to be clear. Little more than closed eyes heavy breathing slower beating colder skin fluttering lids twitching hands can bring assurance. Oddly enough that assurance will be brought upon with unsurity and the only hope of freedom will come with shackled thoughts.

"Are you still alive?"

I finally have internet access on my own computer! I've been living in Chad's living room for a couple months now...sleeping on his floor...using his bathroom...eating his food that I partially paid for...and using his laptop for my internet fix. But the time has come my brothers to free myself from the bondage that is not having anything of my own. For on the 21st of August 2005 ano domini the year of our lord Chad and I will be moving into a new condo. With 2 bedrooms. No longer will I lay on the hard ground and yearn for a bed. No longer will I have to change standing in the middle of Chad's living room hoping that random people don't look through the window to see me after a shower. No longer will I endlessly bug Chad by taking up all his space. Oh, and you're all welcome to come visit once we're all set up. I'd say housewarming party, but school starts 2 days after we move in...so maybe I'll have an uber-belated housewarming party. And I expect gifts.

In other news Parachutes played at the House of Blues again last night. And a big shout out to Drunk Kid who kept telling everyone I was a rock star and screaming "F*CK YEAH!" every 15 seconds or so.

Summer is over my friends. Time for a few more shenanigans and then I'll become the philosopher recluse that you all know and (pretend to) love.