I cannot know what I would be if I were not me,
I can only guess me

Thoughts strike me at odd times. Like now. Like another life I may have lived. Like this...

The first......told me she loved me. She told me she cared. She told me she cheated. She told me I didn’t love her. She told me I didn’t care. She told me she loved me. She told me it just wouldn’t work out.

The second was, well...... The one with the shark costume from the Halloween party. She told me I was funny. She told me I was interesting. She told me I was cute. She told me she couldn’t talk to me again because this wasn’t like her.

The third......told me she loved me. She told me she saw us growing old together. She told me this was new and unique and unlike her. She told me she hated me. She told me I hurt her. She told me she loved me but was not in love with me. She told me she had nothing to offer me.

The fourth......told me she had fun with me. She told me she was with someone else. She told me I was hot. She told me she felt something more. She told me I talked in circles and never made sense. She implied none of it mattered.

The fifth......told me she missed me. She told me I was a prick and an ass and was and still am full of myself. She told me she loved me. Loves me? She told me I am right for her, but I don’t think she is right for me. She told me she wanted to be with me. She told me I was not ready to be with anybody.

......is, I just found out, married. Another has never had, and still does not want, a boyfriend. Another is unattractive. Another is dating and would simply be too weird to take to the next level.

Life is just happening. Today is just a day leading into the next. The more I live in the present, the more I want to go be someone new and do something new and try something new. I want to travel to other countries by myself. I want to live in another state or country by myself. I want to start over. I want to rid myself of the desire for love and companionship as I currently view it. I want to push all my boundaries and crush all my comfort zones and destroy my present conceptions of the world and life and love and sex and girls and happiness and everything everything everything.

I’m in a city I don’t want to live in. I’m at a job that I don’t want to be at. I’m at a school that will not further my career. I’m a constant resident of change. I eat flux and drink lack of consistency for all my meals. I have no home.

The first was me being delusional and believing in true love at first sight rather than true lust. I was nice to the point of death and forgiving to the point of absurdity. I knew it was not right.

The second was me being “adventurous” and “outgoing” and stupid. It was me trying to fill a growing gap I was not even aware existed. I knew it was not right.

The third was me underestimating how weak my will was. It was me giving into emotion. It was me using another as a painkiller. I knew it was not right.

The fourth was me underestimating my ability to gain control of another’s thoughts and emotions. It was me being careless and reckless. It was me trying out not caring and not caring that I didn’t care. I knew it was not right.

The fifth was me seeing myself in another and being drawn in despite my knowledge of what it really was. It was me letting another fulfill emotion despite knowing it would not be requited. I knew it was not right.

The one I never had was seemingly perfect but obviously immature. Who I am to talk? Who I am to call another immature? She was. It was me seeing my future bright and clear before my eyes. It was me smiling to myself knowing I lucked out. It was me being content for the first time in the longest time. It was me.

I didn’t know it was not right.