It's Christmas time...and you know what that means! Shopping! And I've gathered a few hints, tips, and stores that will help you with the ordeal of last minute shopping...because admit it...you'll be doing last minute shopping. No...stop arguing...you will be. So take my advice. You'll need it...

STORES:

Abercrombie and Fitch-- Head into this store and you will be bombarded with re-mixed versions of pop songs, employees who look 12 (other than the fact that they wear very little...no wait...even 12 year olds dress like sluts now), and soft-core porn. No, you won't look like that guy in the picture, standing there in just his boxers with pecs so big he could easily fit into a b-cup bra, but you can dress like him! Or undress like him? Now that I think about it, I'm not sure if I've ever seen an Abercrombie add where a guy is wearing a shirt. Bad advertising if you ask me. And that catalog... I guess if you want to be surrounded by nearly naked, completely self-absorbed people, all you have to do is wear some A&F clothes. Oh joy!

Tommy Hilfiger-- I used to find it slightly unnerving how you couldn't buy one piece of anything from Abercrombie that did not have a huge "A&F" plastered on it. But then I found Tommy. If you don't like red, white, and blue...stay away...far away. No wait...I take that back. If you DO like red, white and blue stay far away from Tommy. Unpatriotic? Yes Tommy is. Do some research.

any store-- I guess the new thing is new vintage. Er...wait...what? That's right. I read more than one label that said nearly word for word, "No expense was spared to recreate the imperfections and nuances of vintage clothing." So, my friends, you can go buy a "vintage" shirt, with that oh-so-hip wrinkled look for a mere $50! Or how about actual vintage army fatigues? These will cost you a mere $40. Sure you could go to an army surplus store and get some of the same pants for $5...but they won't have a designer label sewn on them!

FOOD:

Shopping is exhausting...so go and treat yourself to some good food court food. Plus you can have some fun while you're at it. There are basically no repercussions for any action you take in the food court. You can take a glass bowl from the Mongolian Barbecue, toss it over your shoulder, and within seconds you will have a brand new bowl in your hands and someone will be sweeping up your mess. And you could do this countless times. Believe me...I just watched this happen. So go break some stuff and take out your shopping aggression.!

HINTS/TIPS:

--wear gloves. those bags are brutal on the hands, and some gloves will help to soften the cutting off of blood-circulation
--don't impulse buy. yes, of course you need the pen with the boxing duck glued on top. yes, you need the mini pillow that says "boys make good pets." yes, how could you ever live without the voo-doo candle that says "revenge." but pass by these indespensible gifts. your pocket book AND your friend who would be receiving the stuffed Santa in a speedo will thank you.
--take a deep breath. it gets pretty frustrating having to push through crowds of slow moving window shoppers. so take a deep breath and close your eyes. now imagine taking that idiot who just bumped into you, grabbing him by the collar, and shoving him over the railing sending him hurtling towards the first floor Santa taking pictures with little kids. now imagine how much that would relieve you. now open your eyes and let that guy walk away unharmed. it will be for the best...believe me.