Want a peek inside my mind? No? Too bad.

Here's the most recent page from my journal:

A man and woman walked in. His tattoos and piercings screaming "look at me." First thought? "Boyfriend and girlfriend." Then she called him dad. Maybe some fetish...who knows...but then she called him dad again. Good lord this guy must have had her when he was 13. It's like a post-apocalyptic world where death could be waiting for you anywhere. With the end of your life in focus, the rest becomes blurred. Suddenly dreams of a family and a house and a car are worthless ideas that will stay dreams. Suddenly sex is no longer about love but about taking your mind off of a hellish life. But wait...isn't that what sex is now? Just something to take your mind off of a hellish relationship. Suddenly impregnating some girl...who will remain 'some girl' because so much alcohol was involved that a name is impossible to remember...is the least of your problems. Only we're not in some great war. We're not about to die. We're fat and virile and pumped full of anything we lack. We're rich and attractive, or at least we pretend to be. We screw for fun and cross our fingers hoping all the STD's have lessened the chances of a healthy sperm reaching a healthy egg. And if a "mistake" happens...a simple acid solution will wash our hands clean of it. A blade and a vacuum and hey...what mistake? Only we have no excuse. We have only ourselves to blame for recreating Sodom and Gomorrah. And we love it. We revel in it. The more vile the merrier. Let's legalize rape while we're at it. Heck...if some unwanted guy needs to get his rocks off...why are we stopping him? And of course we need to legalize the disposal of pesky children who have gotten tiresome. If we can pull a baby’s head out of it's mother, snap it's neck, then dump it in a garbage can...why can't we stick a rag of ether under a particularly annoying toddler's nose and then twist its heads while it rests in an unfeeling stupor? So let's take the murderers out of jail, give them a Pulitzer, and have them start teaching seminars. It's time for revolution.


The black house and you, sheli ahava, give me hope.