After reading Que Sera Sera tonight...I couldn't help but think of how I am with endings. Not only am I bad with endings, but I need them. "whaaa?" is the proper response. I'll explain. I hate goodbyes. I hate finishing a book. I hate filling in the last page of a journal. On the other hand...sometimes goodbye's are the only way. If I start a book, I can't rest till it's over. I am compelled to fill every page of my journals. What does this mean? I'm addicted to finishing things, and hate when I do so. It's some wacky, non-sexual sado-masochism of sorts. Take the most mundane task...something like putting address stamps on thousands of coupon booklets for Schlotzskey's Deli...if I start, I HAVE to finish it. What happens if I don't finish something? It eats away at me. I can't think of anything else. I can't take my mind completely away from whatever it is that I did not finish.

I have had two dating relationships. One went horribly awry, and the other has been, and still is, the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me. The problem? I didn't "finish" the first relationship. "Well Grant" it is time for you to say, "how does one...FINISH...a relationship?" Good question oh faithful reader. One finishes a relationship by either staying with it till death, or by being content with how it ended. I would have had to have been suicidal to do the first, and due to details better left unsaid...I can in no way be content with how it ended.

Now don't get me wrong...when I go to the bathroom I don't have the insatiable urge to finish off the whole roll of toilet paper. When I open a quart of ice cream I don't have to convince myself to not eat the whole thing. And I am, in no way, ready to "finish" life. There are certain things better left unfinished.

I will always remember that I didn't go to the last 2 classes of tae kwon do, thereby forfeiting the piece of paper that says I am a black belt...even though I have passed the test and am exactly that...a first degree black belt.

I will always remember not finishing the applications to USC and UCLA, therefore forfeiting the knowledge of whether I could have gotten in or not, thereby giving me more options.

I will always remember the foolishness of my first relationship and the lack of closure before it ended, thereby forfeiting the ability to forgive and forget.

...then again, I saved hundreds of dollars and did not give in to the overcommercialization of a tae kwon do school that was giving in to publicity.

...then again, I ended up at Chapman (which I most likely would not have had I been accepted to the other schools), and have since changed who I am for the better and have gained true happiness.

...then again, I didn't stick with a relationship that was doing nothing but making me unhappy...and have since found what true love actually means.

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So maybe not EVERYthing needs to be finished.