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The Klepto Strikes Again

I'm sitting in my room eating "Beautiful DENMARK Butter Cookies" and the wall in front of me keeps lighting up yellow, then not yellow, then yellow, then not yellow, then...you get the idea. Why is my wall lighting up yellow? Because I have a problem. Hi. I'm Grant. I'm a klepto. I think I've mentioned this before, but a true klepto is someone who does not steal for profit, but steals (often) useless items (and even returns them sometimes) purely for the thrill of stealing. The streets around my house are being, um, renovated...even though they needed no renovating. This means that "Road Closed" signs and "Detour" signs and "Caution" signs are everywhere. And I mean everywhere. At one point there was a pile of at least 50 of these signs piled up on the side of the street. I started drooling when I saw this and simply had to have one. So last night Naomi and I pulled up in her 4Runner and I jumped out, popped the trunk, threw the sign in the trunk, and jumped back in the car ready to drive to safety. I guess I forgot that the sign was blinking out of control, making her car a gleaming beacon for ticket-happy police. Luckily we made it the 3 blocks to our houses and I ran upstairs (or more so stumbled upstairs...those things are awkward) and set up my new trophy. I'm not sure what the penalty is for stealing city property, but it's probably a little harsher then I'm willing to accept the responsibility for. My room is now adorned with at least 7 signs that should most likely not be in my room.



p.s. If you can't tell...which you probably can't...this whole thing is at least 4 1/2' tall.
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I Don't Do Endorsements...

...but I first heard Bright Eyes about 3 years ago and have since been following them loosely. Lately, however, I have been more or less reunited with how insanely beautiful their music is (and I'm not sure why I didn't follow them more religiously for the past 3 years). So...if you don't know about them...download "The Calender Hung Itself" and "Something Vague" from the album Fevers and Mirrors. If you don't like it...you have no heart and I can never be your friend again and I will send you an official document signed by me with my official embossed insignia on my official stationary that informs you of the tearing of all ties betwixed you and I. Makes for a nice gift.
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Tim Burton and Skittles

Last night Chad and I went to see Big Fish -which- thank God, was a return to his old style. You know Edward Scissorhands? Of course you do. It's like that...not like the crappiest remake of Planet of the Apes you have ever seen. While we waited for the movie to start in the theatre totally packed with 6 people we played skittle wars. If you have never played skittle wars, you must start now. It's easy. Just take two skittles and place them together and then squeeze slowly till one of them crushes the other one. The crusher is the winner which is then pitted against another skittle. The crushee is eaten. I've only gotten a single skittle to win 5 times in a row, but Chad has had the mother of all skittles beat about 20 other skittles.

Oh my gosh...I just realized something...I have no life.

LET THE SKITTLE WARS BEGIN!!!
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American Idolizing

Let's get it over with.......I watched the first 3 episodes of American Idol. Done laughing? Well, now that that is out of your system, I can get to my point. This is technically What We Have Learned From Media: Part 4, but I kinda ruined the flow of that with my little "I know the meaning of life" thing (which is still true by the way). So I will just treat this as another slightly enlightened (but not really) posting of Grant's thoughts. Oh yeah...American Idol.

There is some phenomenon that I just do not understand. I see it again and again and it just does not make any sense to me. Now I consider myself as at least slightly smart, but maybe I'm not because I can't figure this out. Here's my best explanation: I sit at home and I watch Wheel of Fortune or some similar show and I think to myself, "Self...you could do that! Easily!" And I, myself, get quite excited because I figure that I can win tons of money if only given the opportunity to do so. Similarly, thousands upon thousands of people sit at home and watch American Idol and think to themselves, "Self...you could do that! Easily!" So they save up some money and take a week off of their lives and sit in the rain and don't get much sleep and don't shower and connive and trick for better places in line and eat junk food and cry because of nerves and sing out like a crazy man on a bus who just doesn't know better and then they end up standing in front of 3 judges who will either give them a chance at fame and fortune or turn them away brutally.

Here's where it gets interesting.

People -smart people- blurt out a cacophony of de-tuned sound at loud pitches and in their heads they are thinking, "I am SO rocking right now! I AM the next American Idol! They love me!" And here is where I get confused. How can someone sing and not understand that they sound like crap? On top of that, how can someone sing and not realize that they sound like crap and then have 3 professionals tell them that they sound like crap and blatantly not believe them? On top of that, how can someone sing and not realize that they sound like crap and then have 3 professionals tell them that they sound like crap and blatantly not believe them and then think that dancing or pleading or singing again and again and again until the judges leave the room out of impatience will help?

An insanely smart man once told me that people in our society think that life is a movie. No, not that there are hidden cameras everywhere (although there are), but more so that life is somehow very movie like (and only American movie like). A man goes to Vegas and spends his life fortune at the craps table only to lose everything he has...and then he expects the credits to roll. A woman has a scandalous affair after being married for 30 years...and then expects a fade to black and her normal life to resume. The American people have been tricked into believing that everything works out in the end...that any size problem can be worked out in 30 minutes minus commercials...that music will swell and all they ever wished for will come true. This is simply not the case. The man who went to Vegas will end up on the street. The woman who had the affair will end up divorced.

Our society has raised a generation (and more) of people who believe that anything is possible if you wish on a star. These people are so delusional that they believe 3 professionals have no clue if they are good singers or not. These people are willing to go out to crowded areas and sing their hearts out to strangers who plug their ears and walk away. These people do not understand reality and the harshness that it entails.

I do not understand this false hope that we have instilled in people's hearts.
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What We Have Learned From Media: Part 3

Disney Is The Root Of All Evil

You may not realize this, but Disney is the dark underbelly of a depressed teenage culture. In my internship (in which I am producing a video yearbook for high school students) the kids had a chance to make a presentation of some kind for a film festival. Overall, about 8 schools partook, each school making one project. What were the projects about? Every one was about one thing: depression. Three or more had drug and alcohol use. Five or more had death. One had an unwanted pregnancy. Every single one had a teenager in high school reaping the rewards of a world bent on their personal destruction. There was not one uplifting video of any kind. After the fourth scene where a guy looks in a bathroom mirror and then splashes water on his face and looks into the mirror with a look of utter desperation/devastation I started to feel a little bit embarrassed. But why? What is causing all this depression among kids who have nothing to be depressed about?

Disney.

Let's take a look at the premise of Finding Nemo, a recent Disney film. Happy family loving each other. Mom is brutally killed. Kid is kidnapped and dad must search for him. Kid is only consoled through the help of his wacky friends pursuing crazy antics.

Let's look at Bambi. Happy family. Mom is brutally killed. Kid must cope through wacky friends pursuing crazy antics.

Let's look at The Fox and the Hound. Happy family. Mom is brutally killed. Kid must cope through wacky friends pursuing crazy antics.

Let's look at The Lion King. Happy family. Dad is brutally killed. Kid must cope through wacky friends pursuing crazy antics.

Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty and the Best, Dumbo, Lilo and Stitch......dead mothers.

So we have kids growing up on Disney (and basically all kids are) and they are not only constantly subjected to "getting used to" the idea of having parents brutally killed, but then they are told that they can make it on their own with the help of some fun and crazy friends who will sing and dance and make all the pain go away. I'm not sure who decided that the basic premise of every Disney film would be devastating tragedy...and then COMEDY!!! WEEE!!! No wonder kids are so depressed. We wean our children on death and destruction and then teach them to rely purely on their friends since parents are never in the picture.

I think when I have kids I will raise them solely on the entertainment of sock puppets.
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What We Have Learned From Media: Part 2

Compared To Black Men, White Men Have REALLY Small.......Intellects

No matter who you are, man, woman, heterosexual, homosexual, metrosexual (stupid stupid stupid), or just really confused, you have been bombarded with penis enlargement information. And you don't even have to have a penis to have people tell you that you need a bigger one! Huzzah! It's kinda funny because it was not very long ago that men sat in rooms by themselves wondering, "hmmm...how do I stack up compared to other guys?" but having no clue because, let's face it, there isn't exactly a good place for physical comparison...."Hey John...after you're done urinating, can I take a look to see if I have the right to feel more manly around you?" The results of these wonderings? Nothing. And now? Well, we have TV, radio, magazines, newspapers, movies, and the internet saying that we of the penisful kind need more penis to feel simply adequate. No, not that we need a larger manhood to feel superior...just to feel adequate, thereby making everyone who is not supernaturally endowed automatically inferior. Huzzah!

The result of this barrage of advertising? Anything and everything that -supposedly- makes a penis bigger is selling like all-beef hot dogs at a ballpark (or any other equally tasteless analogy).

Alas, there is a problem with all this penis talk. Has anyone ever thought to consider how these tests are done? No no no, not how they measure or how they get to the uh......point......at which the measuring can take place. I'm talking about the possibility that a poll or even a physical survey is most likely not that accurate. Let's be frank. Hi, I'm Frank, and I'm going to talk about race and penis size. Sure it's a stereotype that black men have, by far, the largest peni of the human race....the thing is, stereotypes don't exist unless there is some truth to them. Plus it's medically/scientifically proven that this is -on average- true. This means that the "average size" has been skewed if in fact you are a white male. Sure there are stereotypes about other races having very small...er...you know, but those are scientifically much much less accurate.

Result: White men look down when taking a shower and think to themselves, "My gosh...I'm inadequate by far...I need to fuel the economy and raise the bar -so to speak- at the same time. Well...what do you expect from advertisers? These are the people who made smoking look yummy for little kids. Anything to make a buck.

Or maybe I'm just pretending this is true to make myself feel better. But unless you have access to my penis (talk to my urologist, maybe he'll sell tickets) you'll never know.
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What We Have Learned From Media: Part 1

Introduction:

Well well well...what have we here? My friends, welcome to a multi-segmented series (wait...is that like saying "wet water"?) on how media has taught us oh so much in our lifetimes. More so in the last few years. Or more so in the last year. Or maybe not. I might change my mind. Enjoy.

The Trading Spaces Effect

Admit it...you've seen the show. Or maybe you're a self-professed Trading Spaces guru who puts on the Trading Spaces smock for anything even slightly artistic. Either way, you have witnessed something amazing. I deem this amazing discovery the TSP, or Trading Spaces Effect. The basic premise? 99% of Americans have no understanding (and I mean none) of tasteful decor vs. absolutely revolting beyond belief decor; and under the right circumstances will believe anything.

The best example for this effect is the designer Hildi Santo-Tomas who, amazingly, gets away with vandalizing people's houses...and then gets paid for it. A few examples: 1) Hildi spray paints white squiggles on all the walls. 2) Hildi...um...does something to a room. 3) Hildi covers the walls in feathers. 4) Hildi covers the walls in wrapping paper. This is not to mention the times she did not prime wood before painting, did not take down wallpaper before painting, spray painted furniture with regular spray paint, spray painted a stove and refrigerator with regular spray paint, or covered the bathroom walls with fake flowers.

Why do I give these examples? The reason is simple...in 9/10ths of these rooms, the homeowners who should have been getting out their handguns and hunting Hildi down merely smiled, or hugged, or screamed in delight at what a "professional" designer had done to their previously ugly room. This atrocious manner displayed by unsuspecting homeowners falls into the category of a simple logical fallacy: the argumentum ad verecundiam (or the argument from authority). You know this fallacy...believe me. Any time a parent has said, "Because I said so!" or a commercial has stated, "4 out of 5 doctors agree!" or some dolt has said, "But the President said it, so it must be true" you have been subjected to the argumentum ad verecundiam. Just because someone in a position of authority says something does not, in any way, mean that it has to be true. A doctor could say, "Genital herpes is a yummy grape flavored candy", and a 5 year old child can say, "Genital herpes is an STD"......and who is right? The 5 year old child. A PhD does not mean infallibility. But due to our friend Trading Spaces, we have learned that of those 99% of Americans who do not have any taste whatsoever when it comes to decor, 90% or more fall head over heals for the argument from authority. They think to themselves, "If a PROFESSIONAL said this is in good taste...then it MUST be in good taste...even if the water will get on the fake flowers and ruin them, and the steam from the shower will get on the flowers and ruin them, and the staples sticking halfway out of the walls will rust due to water vapor and not being made to handle water being splashed on them over and over." And they are WRONG.

What I'm trying to say is that we have learned to not trust anyone just because they are a professional. And those who do when it comes to their decor? Well...they fall into the 99%.
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100 Things About Me

Instructions- copy. paste. put a true statement in bold. if something is not in bold, it is not true.

01. When I was younger I made some bad decisions
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love psychadelic mushrooms
04. I love sleeping
05. I have loads of books
06. I once slept on a toilet
07. I love playing video games
08. I like marijuana
09. I watch porn movies
10. I watch them with my father
11. I like sharks
12. I love spiders, I think they're adorable, especially the ones with bright colours on their backs
13. I was born without hair and I still have no hair
14. I like G. Bush
15. People are cool.
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a lot to learn
19. I carry my knife everywhere with myself
20. I'm really really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret
23. I hate snow
24. I drink only milk
25. I drink too much water
26. I hate microsoft
27. I love Chinese food
28. I would hate to be famous
29. I am not a morning person
30. I wear glasses
31. I don't need glasses, except sunglasses
32. I have potential
33. I'm pure Japanese
34. My legs are two different sizes
35. I have a twin
36. I'm wearing a padded bra
37. I can ramble on about absolutely nothing
38. I'm left-handed
39. I hate llamas, but I'm one of them
40. I don't like horror movies
41. I suck at climbing, but I love it anyway
42. People hate me usually. eh, probably
43. I love pop music
44. I hardly ever go to bed before midnight
45. I hate parking fines
46. I know the national anthem of my country by heart
47. I know more than two languages but I'm not good at them
48. I spend too much time on the computer
49. I often want to throw the computer out a window
50. I live on a ground floor ... sort of...
51. I don't like chocolate
52. I'd like to be more original
53. I've lied
54. Cocks are my favorite birds
55. I want to conquer the world
56. I wonder what happens when you die
57. I've read all books about Harry Potter
58. Eat your dog!
59. I love to exercise. but only if I have time
60. I hate chemistry with a passion
61. I love to write
62. I like changes
63. I hate going to class
64. I am afraid to die
65. I hate dish washing
66. My hair is long, brown, and incredibly curly
67. My nails are nine inch long
68. My favorite color is black
69. I like to sleep on the floor
70. I am hopeless at cooking
71. I sucked my thumb when I was little.
72. I should be doing something else rather than writing this
73. I am online a lot, but not on IM
74. I hate the government
75. I don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend
76. I'm too nice for my own good.
77. I love to read, I read as much as I can.
78. I don't trust newspapers
79. I like debating
80. I live in a vagon
81. I clean my room once a month
82. I'm scared of american fast food
83. I have a third eye
84. I love Mozambique
85. I don't trust any religion.
86. I used to play with barbies because all the other girls were doing it
87. I wanted to be a super hero when I was little.
88. I like listening to wind chimes sometimes... other times I want to kill them
89. I'm very disorganized
90. My hair is long and straight
91. I earn a lot
92. I don't like spicy food
93. I keep a diary
94. I can't do cartwheels
95. I am very lazy sometimes.....
96. I'm sarcastic
97. I think my hair is annoying
98. I'm very sensitive
99. I love being "abnormal"
100. My left eye is violet and my right eye is a light blue.
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The Life I Never Lived

Woke up. It's 2:30pm and I'm naked. I look around for my underwear...or was I wearing underwear? These days it's too much hassle to wash clothes. I sit up. Bad idea...the world begins speeding like a possessed merry-go-round and immediately lay back down. I flail my arms to the side and finally touch something that feels like fabric. I slide my jeans on while laying down which is much more difficult than it sounds. I reach in my pocket and find my last super mario and lay it gently in my mouth. I hear footsteps enter the room.
"Hey man."
The voice is hollow in my ears. "Hey," I drawl.
"Would you mind getting off of my living room floor? You clash with the decor."
I look around and see a beanbag, a cardboard box with a black and white tv on top...rabbit ears bent out of shape, and a brown rug that I'm sure used to be white.
"Riiiiiight."
"Hey man, remember...you owe me $300."
That gets me up. "For what!?"
He just points to what I'm using as my pillow. I unfold the wad of clothing and see a green suede Diesel jacket which would be cool if it wasn't for the huge "D" painted across the back.
"That's not mine."
"Not yours my ass...you begged me for the cash until I was ready to kill you just to get you to shut up."
"Fine fine fine...I don't have it. Ask me after I've had breakfast."
I stumble to my feet and head into the kitchen. I look back and see Jamie and give him my most pathetic pleading look.
"Last time man...I swear."
He just rolls his eyes and walks away. I get out a metal tin from the cupboard as I slide my belt out of it's loops with one hand. A friend who -let's just say- happened to know the strippers tricks of the trade taught me this. The belt tightens, powder in the spoon, water in the powder, lighter under the spoon, mixture into the hypo crusted brown with who knows who's blood, a slap or two on the arm and breakfast is served.

I'm walking downtown in what I think is a girl's white undershirt, but it's all I could find. Oh, and my three-hundred frickin dollar jacket. I'm carrying a can of white paint with the lid loose. I stroll into a Fry's Electronics and head towards the portable stereo equipment. Funny how nobody stops you from walking in a store with a can of paint. The lid goes under my jacket -getting white crap all over it in the process- and I walk past the high end walkmans. In a swift motion I grab them without stopping, without even looking at them, and drop them into the can of paint. I can only fit three inside because of the plastic cases. On goes the lid and out of the store I go. The plastic cases keep the paint from seeping onto the walkmans and the lead in the paint keeps the stores sensors from picking up the merchandise. Suddenly I'm $300 richer. But seriously...like that's going towards this stupid jacket. Maybe I can return it saying it had paint on it.

I walk up to a movie theatre and act like I have to throw up...all over the ticket taker. They let me run towards the bathroom, no problem. Once inside I take a breather. I wipe the powder off my nose, pop a few vicodin, and head towards the nearest screening of a movie...any movie...it doesn't matter.

Plan for tonight? Club: trance. Alcohol: lots. MDMA: 4. Girls: If I can get it up.

I love my life.
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Two Thousand and WHAT?

I can't believe this year is over. And to make this brief, I just want to make some new year's resolutions to see if I can stick to them. So here we go.

In 2004 I Resolve To:

-Get into better shape (especially cardiovascularly)
-Make at least 1 short film
-See at least 3 big concerts
-Get a bartending job
-Clean my room
-Write a script/novella
-Play bass for a CD on a label
-Make my site look prettier
-Turn 22
-Learn more Hebrew
-Not end up naked in front of more than 5 people (I'm upping it this year)
-Not have more penis surgery
-Not catch on fire
-Eat healthier
-Golf a 100 game
-Bowl a 170
-Not die

Ok...and now comes the fun part. You guys get to read about my life and see if I get to accomplish these goals! Wee!

Merry New Year y'all.
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