8/7/04
DX - stricture
NPO
consent: visual urethrotomy
prep
Labs- CBC, SMA-7, PT, PTT, VA

Laying down, if I closed my eyes it could have felt as if I was trying to sleep on a twin bed with a too hard mattress. Opening my eyes, however, revealed a bright florescent light burning rectangle shapes into my vision. Scanning the pock-marked ceiling, I found the sad face...the one that I had found the last time. I smiled, showing the polar-opposite of my little friend. Then I closed my eyes tight for the cleaning, the application of the Novocain, and the 26-gage steel. Fists holding the flimsy sheet underneath me squeezed so tight that afterwards they stayed red. Back arching and every muscle in my body tensing despite the gentle words, "Just relax...just relax" coming from the doctor.

You think I'd be used to this.

You think that this being the 7th time I have had it done that I would think it was nothing.

Marylyn Manson, when he was a kid, had the same procedure done. His urethra was closed and they had to dilate it. It was so bad, that even though the doctors told him to have it done again at a later point, he refused. Let me say that again. Marylyn Manson, the antichrist, the devil incarnate (no, I don't think of him so, but he enjoys representing that so let's play along) said that the procedure I have had done 7 times was so bad that he risked serious health issues and did not go back for a second time.

On the bright side I didn't nearly pass out this time. And so I don't make you pass out I'll skip the gory details this time.

Now I have another surgery lined up in August. The big kind of surgery. The kind where they put me to sleep and go at it with a knife. The kind where I can't drive for a day after. The kind where they leave a catheter in for up to 10 days after. The kind where I dread it every single second until it takes place.

I could really use some hope right now. And some prayer. I don't care if you're a Christian or not...could you please send a word or two up to God for me?

Money is the Root of All Personality Traits?

In a matter of weeks I have changed my job from barista to psychoanalyst. Who knows...maybe this could catch on...get your morning coffee and a quick mental breakdown for one semi-low price. You can tell all kinds of things about people by looking at their daily, mostly subconscious activities...like getting coffee. When you work at a coffee shop, you are merely a machine employed to do the customer's bidding; nobody expects you to actually think, especially not think about them. One of the easiest ways to tell about someone is how they use money. Here's what I've figured out, and you can see where you fit in:

Psychoanalysis of a Barista: Part 1
(Money)

The Crisp New Bills: Often a business man/woman. Rarely in small denominations. The crisp bills compliment their nicely manicured nails, flashy watch, white teeth, and hurried actions. Often digs crisp bills out of a stack of other just as crisp bills. Tips? Either nothing, or allot...never in between.

The Wadded Mess of Money: Often a kid, or disheveled adult. Usually has just enough to cover the price of the drink. Often tries to straighten out the bills as if embarrassed of the crinkled nature of the money. Usually a relaxed demeanor. Tips? Never.

All Change: Varied looks, always insanely thrifty. Even if the drinks add up to 8 or 9 dollars, all of it will be paid in change, holding up the line all for the sake of not breaking that $20. Always makes small talk about using so much change. Always feels guilty and tries to make up for it by smiling allot and apologizing profusely. Tips? Only if change is lower than 10 cents.

Exact Change: The usuals...the ones who come in once, twice, or three times a day. They know their drinks, we know their drinks, and they don't like waiting for change. Often hand off money and walk away before any questions can be asked. Tips? Either nothing or allot.

The $100 Bill: Varied looks, but always someone who is trying to be sneaky and break the bill. The order is always $5 or less, but they still hand you a $100 bill and act like they are surprised that it's all they have. They are given away by starting the surprised look before they even look in their wallet. We don't take $100 bills. They sigh and pull out a credit card or smaller bills every time. Tips? Never.

The Math Minded: These are the people who throw in a few bills or coins extra to make the change an exact amount so they end up with all bills or specific change. Usually looks down upon person as register and explains that they realize they have handed you more than necessary thinking that since said person works at a nearly minimum wage job, said person must not know math. Tips? Never.

The Reluctant Payer: This is the person who acts like they are doing you a favor by paying for their drink. You say the price, they roll their eyes, then they slowly...very slowly...count out the change and hand it to you like they should not have to pay so much for coffee...yet here they are at *bucks. Tips? Never...and possibly even takes money FROM the tips and pays with it if in need of a dime or two.

Stay tuned kids...next week maybe I'll cover the passive-aggressive, the openly aggressive, and the looking-for-a-handout customers.

I'll have a Mocha Frappachino With Some Racism on the Side

The other night I was working a late shift and suddenly at around 12:30am a huge line formed out the door...every person in said line wanting a drink of blended goodness (which I don't find that good). Needless to say, things got hectic and people had to wait a few minutes extra for their drinks. As I was making the last of the drinks, a guy walks up and asks if his drink is ready because he has been waiting for a while. Greg, the guy on the register, explained that one of our blenders is broken and because of the rush there was a wait and he apologized for the wait. The guy then said, and I quote, "You would have made my drink quicker if I was white." Huh? Since when did race become the deciding factor in how quick you get your drink at Starbucks? Neither Greg nor I had even noticed that he was Hispanic until he said that. Oh, and we had a guy of Hispanic origin working with us at the time.

On a lighter note I just took a shower and am wearing only a towel...so I should get dressed.

But first...

Grant's 1 Second Movie Reviews

Boondock Saints: Great film. William Defoe rocks....and crossdresses.
Sylvia: Eh....too slow.
Shopping: Not bad at all. Car chases, gangs, death....you know.
One Last Minute: Or is that what it's called? Pretty good.
Bad Santa: Bad.
City of God: Absolutely amazing.
Elephant: Totally different and worth watching.

P.S. I'm dressed now.

The Disenchantment of the Happiest Place on Earth
(or Consumerism Bites the Dust)

My family came to visit my brother and I for his birthday which, subsequently, is the day before July 4th. This means that I was obligated to go to Disneyland to watch the huge, amazing, grandiose fireworks show for the 4th. Naomi and I moseyed on over to the park (the word mosey should be used more often...along with cheeky) and bought us some $50 tickets. Who in their right mind spends $50 to go to an amusement park for one day? That's like a whole days work for me just to go to Disneyland. Anyway. After eating at Naples (the restaurant, not the city...oh, and the former owner, er, employer of Shauna...the same Shauna who, on the last post, so eloquently told off Silus The Idiot) we went to find a seat for the much talked about show. I should keep a small timeline going here. It was about 8:50 now...1 hour and 45 minutes before the show. There were already a couple thousand people waiting for the show. After evading Mr. Toads Wild Ride, my family, Naomi, and I went to find a seat. There was a perfect spot in front of the castle with no trees blocking, so we decided to sit. The time was 9:30, 45 minutes before the show. We sat. Then we sat. Then, for a change, we sat some more. Finally, after fending off some crowd induced claustrophobia, at 10:15, the show began. This is where it gets funny. The first firework goes off in all its colorful brilliance...and we couldn't see it. You see, the castle was blocking the fireworks. I know you want to tell me that we were stupid for sitting in front of the castle, but that is where we were led, like cattle, by the workers with the flashlights. As the explosions continued, we were able to see about half of the show. The other half we heard quite clearly and were able to imagine what it might have looked like. Which is, ya know, probably not what everyone paid $50 to do. At 10:21, exactly 6 minutes later, there seemed to be a pause in the show. We all sat patiently, waiting for the next volley and then then amazing finale. Then we waited some more. Words slowly began to drift over the crowd....."Is that it?" "Was that the WHOLE show?" "Wait...is it over?" After another minute we realized that Disneyland had played a giant joke on us. They had made us believe that we were going to see a great show and low and behold, they put us through 6 minutes of pathetic fireworks, most of which was blocked, and then told us that was it. I still say we should have rioted.

I was going to tell a side story, but I'm really tired and just rambled must longer than I planned. Basically, I got $150 shoes for $80......at the mall. Yeah...who knew you could barter at the mall? Not me. Maybe I just participated in something very illegal, but I like to think that it's good karma for me being such a good person.....even though I don't believe in karma. Ah screw it, I don't care how it happened, I just like my new shoes.