8/7/04
DX - stricture
NPO
consent: visual urethrotomy
prep
Labs- CBC, SMA-7, PT, PTT, VA

Laying down, if I closed my eyes it could have felt as if I was trying to sleep on a twin bed with a too hard mattress. Opening my eyes, however, revealed a bright florescent light burning rectangle shapes into my vision. Scanning the pock-marked ceiling, I found the sad face...the one that I had found the last time. I smiled, showing the polar-opposite of my little friend. Then I closed my eyes tight for the cleaning, the application of the Novocain, and the 26-gage steel. Fists holding the flimsy sheet underneath me squeezed so tight that afterwards they stayed red. Back arching and every muscle in my body tensing despite the gentle words, "Just relax...just relax" coming from the doctor.

You think I'd be used to this.

You think that this being the 7th time I have had it done that I would think it was nothing.

Marylyn Manson, when he was a kid, had the same procedure done. His urethra was closed and they had to dilate it. It was so bad, that even though the doctors told him to have it done again at a later point, he refused. Let me say that again. Marylyn Manson, the antichrist, the devil incarnate (no, I don't think of him so, but he enjoys representing that so let's play along) said that the procedure I have had done 7 times was so bad that he risked serious health issues and did not go back for a second time.

On the bright side I didn't nearly pass out this time. And so I don't make you pass out I'll skip the gory details this time.

Now I have another surgery lined up in August. The big kind of surgery. The kind where they put me to sleep and go at it with a knife. The kind where I can't drive for a day after. The kind where they leave a catheter in for up to 10 days after. The kind where I dread it every single second until it takes place.

I could really use some hope right now. And some prayer. I don't care if you're a Christian or not...could you please send a word or two up to God for me?