I'm off to 112 degree weather for 5 days...

I'll be back soon and I'll be the same ol' Grant...only much redder.

Amuse yourselves with this while I'm away:

Because I apparently can't quench my thirst for procrastination

Everyone, I'd like you to meet a new friend:

Fifty50

In Honour of My Final Tomorrow...

...we will now have Out of Context Quotes with Professor Lewis:

"What else is in the news? Aside from Brittany Spears probably having dropped her baby again."
-Lewis on actually news-worthy items of discussion

"I got your tests back and...everyone who took the test...got a grade."
-Lews...being a smartass

"Seriously, Joseph Smith must have been eating magic mushrooms at the time. He went, wait, what's the technical term...he went whackjob on everyone."
-Lewis on Mormonism

"That's the problem when 15 year-old boys start cults with a magic rock and a hat."
-Lewis, once more on Mormonism

"Dude, I got a charley-horse between the ears on that one."
-Lewis on his own insanely difficult definitions


In other news, my summer school midterm is tomorrow. A few days after...I am free. FREE! Oh the joy that will come with my freedom. You have no idea. Or do you?

It is a good thing that life is not as serious as it seems to a waiter.
-Don Herold

Here is a small guide to all restaurant goers who have never been a waiter, or who have, but have forgotten how miserable a line of work it can be:

Grant's Guide to Being a Restaurant Patron

Chapter 1: On Entering the Restaurant

1.1 Upon requesting a menu for further inspection there is no need, if you decide to not stay at the restaurant, to make excuses or apologize.

e.g. Saying “We’ll, uh, be right back,” and then bolting out the door as if we are going to chase you down and force our food down your throats is not necessary.

1.2 Unless a prominent sign states “Please Seat Yourself,” do not seat yourself.
1.2.1 If you are a self-seater, you wave all right to complain that initial service was slow.
1.3 If you are told there is a wait, and you see empty tables, do not ask repeatedly if you can sit at one of said empty tables. If you do, we reserve the right to smack you.



Chapter 2: On Ordering

2.1 Do not hold the menu in reading position and scan it with your eyes if you are ready to order and in a hurry.
2.1.1 You wave all right to complain about your waiter not taking your order if you are still reading the menu.
2.1.2 Closing the menu, or placing it on the edge of the table is a wonderful gesture, though not absolutely necessary.
2.2 Read the menu. No…wait…read it all. Even the fine print. Chances are it will answer your questions about substitutions, extra expenses, sides, and prices.
2.2.1 If the menu lists food items and has numbers below said food items (sans decimal places or dollar signs) and those numbers are not in sequential order and you simply cannot find item prices anywhere near said food items, please use logical inference to realize that those numbers are the prices. Sentences such as these will not be tolerated:

“I’ll have the number 18.”
-No, you won’t, you’re not at McDonalds and the slightest glance will inform you that there are about six 18’s on that page alone.

“Your menu has no prices!”
-Oh no! We should remedy that! But in the meantime, how about you use those numbers right under the item you are looking at!

2.3 Do not say you are ready and then proceed to look through the entire menu while your waiter stands by, pen in hand, thereby wasting your waiter’s time and infernally frustrating all his/her other tables that know what the sentence “Yes, we are ready to order,” means.
2.4 There are stupid questions, so do not ask them. Conversations along these lines will not be tolerated:

“Do you have raspberry lemonade?”
“No, we only have regular lemonade.”
“Do you have strawberry lemonade?”
-sigh…

“What is the Pollo a la Mostaza?”
-Well, if you were to read the text right under it you might not have to ask.

“I’m stuck between (names two items of completely contrasting qualities), which one do you like?”
-There’s a reason they call it personal taste. I’m just going to pick the more expensive one.

2.5 Please actually read the item description and make sure it is what you want.
2.5.1 This will come into play in Chapter 3



Chapter 3: On Receiving Your Order

3.1 The plates your waiter is holding are most likely very hot and very heavy and you must accommodate him/her due to these conditions. Reactions that are not allowed:

-Blank stares when he/she asks who ordered the filet (while his/her fingers are slowly blistering due to your inability to remember what you ordered).

-Simply watching your waiter attempt to juggle four plates and move your silverware/bread plate/napkin/glass out of the way so he/she can set your food down.

3.2 Your memory issues are not your waiter’s memory issues. If you ordered the garlic steak, but you actually wanted to order the Portobello mushroom steak, you wave all rights to complain about what you received.
3.2.1 See 2.5
3.2.2 Conversations such as these will not be accepted:

“Where is the dijon sauce?”
“You ordered the chicken with garlic sauce.”
“Yeah, but where is the dijon sauce?”
“On the dijon chicken, which you did not order, you ordered garlic chicken.”
“Yeah, but I want dijon sauce.”

“This isn’t souffle.”
“You’re right, it’s souffle cake, like the menu says.”
“But I wanted souffle.”
“We don’t have souffle, we have souffle cake, which is what you ordered.”



Chapter 4: On Finishing Your Meal

4.1 If you are finished with your meal and your waiter asks, “How is everything? Can I get you anything else?” and you do not want anything else, you have three options:

-One: Respond with, “No, we’re all done. Thank you.”
-Two: Respond with, “Could we have (fill in number) to-go boxes?”
-Three: Respond with, “No, you can bring the check.”

4.1.1 Responding with, “No, we’re fine,” is not an adequate response if you want your waiter to take any action other than walking away and asking again in 10 minutes.
4.1.2 Taking the extra step and stacking plates, or putting your napkin in your plate, or sliding your plate to the edge of the table to signify your status is a wonderful gesture, though not absolutely required.
4.2 Stating discrepancies with your order, or complaints about previous service/taste of food/etc at this point is not allowed. All discrepancies/complaints must be brought to your waiter’s attention at the time of realization or you wave all right to complain.



Chapter 5: On Check Etiquette

5.1 Do not complain about extra expenses due to substitution of more expensive item, extra sides, or gratuity that is expressly stated in the menu.
5.1.1 See 2.2
5.2 If you are one of the last tables in the restaurant and it is obvious that your waiter is waiting on you so he/she can leave, do not withhold payment of the bill.
5.3 When appropriate method of payment has been inserted into the book, either place the book at the edge of the table, or stand the book up with payment slightly protruding.
5.3.1 You wave all right to complain about your waiter not picking up the book to run the credit card/get you change if the book is out of his/her reach, or not obviously filled with appropriate forms of payment.
5.4 If you want change, do not assume your waiter knows this information. Placing a $100 bill inside the book for a $15 meal and not explicitly asking for change means you just tipped your waiter $85.



Chapter 6: On Proper Tipping Etiquette

6.1 A simple rule of thumb on tipping should be memorized:

-Worst service ever = 5-10%
-Bad service = 12%
-Ok service = 15%
-Good service = 18%
-Very good service = 20% or higher

6.1.1 Servers have to tip out bartenders, host/hostesses, the kitchen, and busboys, as well as declare 15% of their tips. Your 15% tip is not a generous offer.
6.2 Doubling the tax does not work, especially if you ordered alcohol which is not taxable.
6.3 Just because you gave a tithe at church does not mean you can tip less on Sundays.
6.4 Problems such as under/overcooked food, lackluster presentation, less than adequate taste of food/beverage, and speed of food’s arrival have nothing to do with your waiter. Lowering tip due to these is simply a slap in the face for something that is out of his/her hands. Tip based on your waiter’s performance.
6.5 Over-complimenting your waiter does not count as tip and does not make a small tip more acceptable.
6.6 Your waiter gets paid minimum wage and lives off of his/her tips. Tipping less than average means he/she will be eating ramen.
6.7 If you are using a diner club card you are expected to tip off of the actual (not discounted) bill, and if you are using a gift certificate you are expected to leave a generous tip since you nearly just ate for free.



Chapter 7: Miscellany

7.1 Novel Concept: You want good service? Make your waiter happy. You want bad service (and bad things to happen to your food)? Nag, complain, and make your waiter’s life a living hell.
7.2 Do not come into a restaurant 10 minutes before it closes and sit down for a long meal.
7.3 If you need three things (e.g. ketchup, a new knife, and a refill of your drink), ask for it all at the same time. Asking for one item and upon receiving said item asking for another ad infinitum is unacceptable.
7.4 If there is one dirty table surrounded by five clean tables, do not ask to sit at the one dirty table thereby forcing a busboy to clean while you impatiently wait.

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Addendum: Any and every rule dealing with situations that are within your waiter’s control may be overruled if your waiter happens to be the worst waiter in the universe. You must, however, be absolutely sure your waiter is actually at fault before penalizing him/her for his/her actions.

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Coming soon: Book Two on Some Other Topic that Makes Grant Angry!

You are my sweetest downfall...
...I loved you first

Doctor, there's something wrong with me
My health is not all that it used to be

Thursday, 8:45am

Dreams of strange IM conversations, scientifically enhanced killers, and needing to go to the bathroom waft away like smoke as an actual need to go to the bathroom and a tiny spark of dread are suppressed.

I can’t go to the bathroom…not till 9:45.

I drive through traffic ridden freeways and pull up to the chipped and peeling brown wooden walls of a building I wish I had never seen. I walk into room 101 and up to the receptionist’s desk.

Are you…Mister Paige?

Yes.

You don’t need to sign in, just have a seat.

I am the only one in the room under 70 and they all eye me as if I am invading their inner sanctum. Old people can’t go to dance clubs and young people can’t go to urogynecological offices. An old Jewish couple stand in the middle of the room…well, the woman stands, the man is in a wheelchair. She talks to the receptionist…

If you don’t mind I’ll leave him here instead of lugging him around. He’s not needed right now.

I glance at the magazine titles that surround me: Women’s Health, Golf Living, Better Homes and Gardens, and the occasional Guide to Understanding Medicare. I can’t bear to feign interest in any of them as I redirect my focus to random conversations. The nurse hangs up the phone and turns to another nurse…

Swollen testicles. Very painful. He wants to know if we can fit him in today.

The nurse calls my name…she’s new. Not the same 70-year-old woman who has been the nurse for my last 12 or so visits. She is confused when I don’t listen to her instructions and already know what to do. After the urine sample I sit in a room on the edge of a paper-covered bed with an oversized paper towel as my only covering from the waist down. The entire wall in front of me is covered in one of those huge pictures of a beautiful outdoor scene. So if I use my imagination I am simply sitting naked from the waist down out by a nice pond in Tennessee…surrounded by medical equipment, since what’s a pond without IVs, boxes of rubber gloves, and sterile swabs?

Dr. K walks in and pats me on the back.

How’s it goin’ buddy? Everything working all right?

I go through the motions as Dr. K and the new nurse set up. Soon I’m lying on the bed sans my oversized paper towel that I really, at this moment, want back. The new nurse, who is about my age, looks embarrassed, blushes, and busies herself with straightening already straightened equipment and won’t even look in my direction.

Pain.

I’m sitting up again as Dr. K explains my current condition…

You’re ok, but I definitely don’t want you being catheterized. All it would take is a nurse having a bad day with a big, mean catheter and lack of care over her actions and it would catch the false passage and there would be pain and bleeding everywhere and…yeah. I don’t know why anyone would want to catheterize you, but ya never know!

He hands me an alcohol swab and leaves me to clean up and get dressed. I walk out to the desk and the receptionist looks at my charts.

OH! You don’t have to come back for a year! I bet you’re excited!

She’s used to telling me she’ll see me in a few months. I nod to show my excitement, take an antibiotic, down a shot of water, and walk out the door with a slight hobble to my step.

Love [Them]...as I Have Loved [Them]

Now who can figure out what that slightly amended quote is from? I'll give you a hint...it's from a movie.

I have a favor to ask of you all...send up a little prayer for me tomorrow morning around 9:45am. Yet again I venture into the offices of Dr. K in order to be subjected to a waking nightmare of physical violation. I'll let you all know how it goes since you guys know just about as much about that part of my anatomy as I do.

And now, to make me smile and not think about it, and to make you smile as well, watch these clips...give yourself some time, they're both about 15 minutes long, but totally worth it...also, I'd recommend hitting play, then pause, and giving them time to load a ways before playing them:

I think I'm goin back to school
Cause I'm tired of bein a fool
And I'm tired of playin it cool
I think I'm goin back to school

To begin...slightly out of context quotes from my summer school teacher:

There is one part I agree with, it is exceedingly inhospitable to gang-rape your guests.
-Lewis on misinterpretation of hospitality in the Bible

Oh man...the whole western world is convulsing over a diphthong!
-Lewis on diphthongs

They don't all hold hands and sing Kumbaya in Latin backwards
-Lewis on the occult

So yes, there's a big difference between the masons and the boyscouts
-Lewis on a differentiation we all hopefully already knew

Scientology is really Buddhism meets Star Trek
-Lewis on Tom Cruise

We have fun night too...we have egregious heresy night!
-Lewis on how he keeps his kids entertained

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In other news, I finally got my grades in for my last semester and I will now post them because obviously you've all been holding you breath in unparalleled desire to know such information:

Theological Research Methodologies: A-
Philosophy of Religion: B+
History and Normative Systems of Ethics: A-

Now considering that Talbot's Grading Scale of Death has a B+ equaling a 92-93%, and an A- equaling a 94-95%, I'm ok with these grades.

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And now for something completely different:

A friendly reminder from your friends at the I Didn't Get Plastered On My 21st Birthday Club