It is a good thing that life is not as serious as it seems to a waiter.
-Don Herold

Here is a small guide to all restaurant goers who have never been a waiter, or who have, but have forgotten how miserable a line of work it can be:

Grant's Guide to Being a Restaurant Patron

Chapter 1: On Entering the Restaurant

1.1 Upon requesting a menu for further inspection there is no need, if you decide to not stay at the restaurant, to make excuses or apologize.

e.g. Saying “We’ll, uh, be right back,” and then bolting out the door as if we are going to chase you down and force our food down your throats is not necessary.

1.2 Unless a prominent sign states “Please Seat Yourself,” do not seat yourself.
1.2.1 If you are a self-seater, you wave all right to complain that initial service was slow.
1.3 If you are told there is a wait, and you see empty tables, do not ask repeatedly if you can sit at one of said empty tables. If you do, we reserve the right to smack you.



Chapter 2: On Ordering

2.1 Do not hold the menu in reading position and scan it with your eyes if you are ready to order and in a hurry.
2.1.1 You wave all right to complain about your waiter not taking your order if you are still reading the menu.
2.1.2 Closing the menu, or placing it on the edge of the table is a wonderful gesture, though not absolutely necessary.
2.2 Read the menu. No…wait…read it all. Even the fine print. Chances are it will answer your questions about substitutions, extra expenses, sides, and prices.
2.2.1 If the menu lists food items and has numbers below said food items (sans decimal places or dollar signs) and those numbers are not in sequential order and you simply cannot find item prices anywhere near said food items, please use logical inference to realize that those numbers are the prices. Sentences such as these will not be tolerated:

“I’ll have the number 18.”
-No, you won’t, you’re not at McDonalds and the slightest glance will inform you that there are about six 18’s on that page alone.

“Your menu has no prices!”
-Oh no! We should remedy that! But in the meantime, how about you use those numbers right under the item you are looking at!

2.3 Do not say you are ready and then proceed to look through the entire menu while your waiter stands by, pen in hand, thereby wasting your waiter’s time and infernally frustrating all his/her other tables that know what the sentence “Yes, we are ready to order,” means.
2.4 There are stupid questions, so do not ask them. Conversations along these lines will not be tolerated:

“Do you have raspberry lemonade?”
“No, we only have regular lemonade.”
“Do you have strawberry lemonade?”
-sigh…

“What is the Pollo a la Mostaza?”
-Well, if you were to read the text right under it you might not have to ask.

“I’m stuck between (names two items of completely contrasting qualities), which one do you like?”
-There’s a reason they call it personal taste. I’m just going to pick the more expensive one.

2.5 Please actually read the item description and make sure it is what you want.
2.5.1 This will come into play in Chapter 3



Chapter 3: On Receiving Your Order

3.1 The plates your waiter is holding are most likely very hot and very heavy and you must accommodate him/her due to these conditions. Reactions that are not allowed:

-Blank stares when he/she asks who ordered the filet (while his/her fingers are slowly blistering due to your inability to remember what you ordered).

-Simply watching your waiter attempt to juggle four plates and move your silverware/bread plate/napkin/glass out of the way so he/she can set your food down.

3.2 Your memory issues are not your waiter’s memory issues. If you ordered the garlic steak, but you actually wanted to order the Portobello mushroom steak, you wave all rights to complain about what you received.
3.2.1 See 2.5
3.2.2 Conversations such as these will not be accepted:

“Where is the dijon sauce?”
“You ordered the chicken with garlic sauce.”
“Yeah, but where is the dijon sauce?”
“On the dijon chicken, which you did not order, you ordered garlic chicken.”
“Yeah, but I want dijon sauce.”

“This isn’t souffle.”
“You’re right, it’s souffle cake, like the menu says.”
“But I wanted souffle.”
“We don’t have souffle, we have souffle cake, which is what you ordered.”



Chapter 4: On Finishing Your Meal

4.1 If you are finished with your meal and your waiter asks, “How is everything? Can I get you anything else?” and you do not want anything else, you have three options:

-One: Respond with, “No, we’re all done. Thank you.”
-Two: Respond with, “Could we have (fill in number) to-go boxes?”
-Three: Respond with, “No, you can bring the check.”

4.1.1 Responding with, “No, we’re fine,” is not an adequate response if you want your waiter to take any action other than walking away and asking again in 10 minutes.
4.1.2 Taking the extra step and stacking plates, or putting your napkin in your plate, or sliding your plate to the edge of the table to signify your status is a wonderful gesture, though not absolutely required.
4.2 Stating discrepancies with your order, or complaints about previous service/taste of food/etc at this point is not allowed. All discrepancies/complaints must be brought to your waiter’s attention at the time of realization or you wave all right to complain.



Chapter 5: On Check Etiquette

5.1 Do not complain about extra expenses due to substitution of more expensive item, extra sides, or gratuity that is expressly stated in the menu.
5.1.1 See 2.2
5.2 If you are one of the last tables in the restaurant and it is obvious that your waiter is waiting on you so he/she can leave, do not withhold payment of the bill.
5.3 When appropriate method of payment has been inserted into the book, either place the book at the edge of the table, or stand the book up with payment slightly protruding.
5.3.1 You wave all right to complain about your waiter not picking up the book to run the credit card/get you change if the book is out of his/her reach, or not obviously filled with appropriate forms of payment.
5.4 If you want change, do not assume your waiter knows this information. Placing a $100 bill inside the book for a $15 meal and not explicitly asking for change means you just tipped your waiter $85.



Chapter 6: On Proper Tipping Etiquette

6.1 A simple rule of thumb on tipping should be memorized:

-Worst service ever = 5-10%
-Bad service = 12%
-Ok service = 15%
-Good service = 18%
-Very good service = 20% or higher

6.1.1 Servers have to tip out bartenders, host/hostesses, the kitchen, and busboys, as well as declare 15% of their tips. Your 15% tip is not a generous offer.
6.2 Doubling the tax does not work, especially if you ordered alcohol which is not taxable.
6.3 Just because you gave a tithe at church does not mean you can tip less on Sundays.
6.4 Problems such as under/overcooked food, lackluster presentation, less than adequate taste of food/beverage, and speed of food’s arrival have nothing to do with your waiter. Lowering tip due to these is simply a slap in the face for something that is out of his/her hands. Tip based on your waiter’s performance.
6.5 Over-complimenting your waiter does not count as tip and does not make a small tip more acceptable.
6.6 Your waiter gets paid minimum wage and lives off of his/her tips. Tipping less than average means he/she will be eating ramen.
6.7 If you are using a diner club card you are expected to tip off of the actual (not discounted) bill, and if you are using a gift certificate you are expected to leave a generous tip since you nearly just ate for free.



Chapter 7: Miscellany

7.1 Novel Concept: You want good service? Make your waiter happy. You want bad service (and bad things to happen to your food)? Nag, complain, and make your waiter’s life a living hell.
7.2 Do not come into a restaurant 10 minutes before it closes and sit down for a long meal.
7.3 If you need three things (e.g. ketchup, a new knife, and a refill of your drink), ask for it all at the same time. Asking for one item and upon receiving said item asking for another ad infinitum is unacceptable.
7.4 If there is one dirty table surrounded by five clean tables, do not ask to sit at the one dirty table thereby forcing a busboy to clean while you impatiently wait.

::
::

Addendum: Any and every rule dealing with situations that are within your waiter’s control may be overruled if your waiter happens to be the worst waiter in the universe. You must, however, be absolutely sure your waiter is actually at fault before penalizing him/her for his/her actions.

::
::

Coming soon: Book Two on Some Other Topic that Makes Grant Angry!