"I want to dream," I say as I lay my head on the pillow and close my eyes to enter a world so different than the world we live in. A world of dreams. The first episode of REM sleep occurs fairly regularly 80-90 minutes after falling asleep. This time is often shortened in depression. So that's why. But back to my world: smiles. laughter. happiness. Then I laugh at my pre-conceived Hallmark idealistic world. I open my eyes. Unable to sleep again. In the dark, the pineal gland in the brain secretes a hormone called melatonin, which is thought to induce sleep. I wonder if you can buy melatonin. I sit up and eat another Hostess cupcake and wonder what exactly it is I am eating, but throw the wrapper away rather than disgust myself with INGREDIENTS: sugar, enriched bleached wheat flour, water, corn syrup, animal shortening, cottonseed, canola oil, beef fat, cocoa processed with alkali, cellulose gum, gelatin, agar, dextrose, guar gum, propylene glycol, soy lecithin, glycerine, wheat gluten, sorbic acid, monocalcium phosphate, sodium phosphate. I take a large swallow from my water bottle that probably still contains dormant germs from when I housed mononucleosis, caused by the Epstein-Barr virus. I want attention. But it's 4:00am, and outside of waking up my roommates or calling an escort service and asking how much it costs just to talk, I'm out of luck. I squint at my alarm clock...wishing I didn't have to wear my -4.75 corrective contact lenses just to see the world like everyone else sees it. But maybe this is a blessing rather than a curse? I see the world as many people do not. Distorted. "Wait," I think to myself, "everyone does see the world distorted...you can't help but see the world distorted...that's just how it is...distorted." I just see it more so. I sit down at my computer and put on my glasses with their outdated prescription and check my buddy list to see who is on to entertain me. I look under each group, "Friends", "Wannabe Friends", "Random People", and "Love of My Life." All away. I stare intently at the group "Love of My Life" with its one member, as if staring will make her come online magically. I glance around my desk and think, "If I wasn't here. . .and somebody I didn't know came into my room. . .would he or she have an accurate understanding of who I am merely from what I own?" Doubtful. An empty Hostess cupcake container, a plastic crow on top of my monitor, a lamp shaped like a film camera, anti-corporate posters on the wall, a corkboard full of pariphanalia from my life-so-far at college, pictures of me. . .every one with Sarah present. . .every one with smiles and great memories attached, three Chuck Palahniuk books...Invisible Monsters with a book marker sticking out, my life. My life. My life. My life? I am now a permenant resident of change. I will change rooms I live in for the next four years. I will change apartments, condos, and flats for who knows how many years after. I will most likely even change houses, since most families move at least once in their tenure here on earth. But some things stay the same. Hostess will continue to make products with a 7 year shelf-life. Situational ethics will continue to be the most popular lifestyle. . .despite what people say they believe. I will continue to believe my idealistic views of love. . .and will continue to do all I can to make my dreams come true.

"Dream lofty dreams, as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you one day shall be: your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil."
--James Allen