I laid there with my head on my pillow...as usual, and felt the cold steel under my bare arms, chest, and legs, feeling the riveted bolts digging into my hip...not as usual. It suddenly became clear to me that I was not laying down, as I had suspected, but was indeed standing up, leaning against the wall, head holding the pillow in place. It was dark. The kind of dark where you can trick yourself into believing that your eyes are closed, even though you know they are not. I reached out and touched the cold steel all around me. Four corners. Like a box. 'Like I coffin,' I thought to myself. I slowly kneeled down and felt around towards the bottom on my makeshift bed and felt a small opening. About 2'x2', just enough to squeeze through. I went into this hole feet first...because God knows I don't want to meet up head first with something unpleasant. I inched my way about 10 feet in, and felt another opening in the floor. About 2'x2'. I soon found myself hanging from the edge of this ledge, on purpose mind you, and dangling in this silent pitch-black world. I let go, with the hopes of feeling something solid under my feet in a matter of seconds. After about 10 seconds all I could think was, 'I'm going to die...I'm going to die...I'm going to die...this is it...I just committed suicide.' Falling...falling...I kept my eyes clenched shut...the way you do when you are expecting something really bad is about to happen...even though shutting my eyes made no difference. In fact, if anything, closing my eyes made things brighter...you know the way you can press your fingers to your eyes and see lights, flashes, shapes...even that was better than the nothingness I had begun to get used to. Out of nowhere I hit water in what seemed a perfect swan dive. I guess my sense of direction had gotten completely out of whack and I was falling head first. I came to the surface thinking, 'Ok, so now I wish I had hit cement instead.' One of my biggest fears is being in murky water, not knowing what is in the water, and feeling something touch my foot, or grab on to my ankle. I frantically swam until I felt more steel walling, slick from the water my splashdown sprayed all over. I placed one palm on the wall and awkwardly swam in some direction...I don't know which...it didn't matter. With fatigue came thoughts of wishing some huge fish would swim up and eat me...or pull me under. I just wanted out. Out. Out. Out of breath I found myself laying there with my head under my pillow...as usual. No cold steel against my skin. I sighed a sigh of relief as I removed the pillow from my head and it was dark. The kind of dark where you can trick yourself into believing that your eyes are closed, even though you know they are not.