I recently applied to Blockbuster Video to see if I couldn't get myself some free rentals...and a job. Instead of handing me a piece of paper, the guy pointed me to an electronic application machine. I sat down at a little booth and started 'filling out' this electronic application. I thought that maybe it was a joke, and there would be hidden cameras all around, but now I realize that they do this because anyone who survives the application wihtout throwing the machine through the window deserves to be hired. First of all, it had a keyboard. A very tiny keyboard. You realize that you have to fill out things like your address, so you start to type...like on a regular keyboard. But then you keep making typos because this keyboard is about 1/3 a real keyboard's size; so it mocks you relentlessly as you feel that you have suddenly lost your ability to type. Then you realize that you have to fill out things like your past work experience...so obviously they expect you to have your past job's address and phone number memorized. I just made the numbers up, hoping Blockbuster doesn't actually try and call my past boss...otherwise they'll be ready to talk to the owner of Espresso Garden and they'll hear: "Hi...you've reached the home of Cindy and Johnathan Ramsey...we're not home right now...leave a message after the beep." Then, best of all, I had to answer a series of about 50 questions. Here are some of the actual questions:

1) When arguing, I often swear:

a)strongly agree
b)agree
c)disagree
d)strongly disagree

2) Slow people make me very angry:

a)strongly agree
b)agree
c)disagree
d)strongly disagree

3) People often dislike me:

a)strongly agree
b)agree
c)disagree
d)strongly disagree

4) Most people are stupid:

a)strongly agree
b)agree
c)disagree
d)strongly disagree

I hope they weren't monitoring me because I was literally laughing out loud at some of their questions. Who in their right mind would put that slow people make them angry? Or that they swear often? So I went through all the trouble to write some of my own questions for Blockbuster to use on future applications:

1) I like to steal from my employer:

a)strongly agree
b)agree
c)disagree
d)strongly disagree

2) I want to be hired just to tell people how much
Blockbuster sucks:

a)strongly agree
b)agree
c)disagree
d)strongly disagree

3) I often kill when I am angry:

a)strongly agree
b)agree
c)disagree
d)strongly disagree

4) I am prone to random acts of indecent exposure:

a)strongly agree
b)agree
c)disagree
d)strongly disagree

In other job related news, Starbucks is testing to see how long they can string me along with, "You are the most likely job candidate", and "You will know very very soon", before I go berserk and maim someone. All other possible jobs have given me the right to burn down their buildings by not even calling me back. They should have looked under "Additional Comments" where they would have seen my warning, scrawled in child-like handwriting, "pleese higher me or i will be forsed to burn down your bilding and take all your wurkers hostige...reely...i mean it."