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New Survey Shows Caffeine Is Good For The Eyes!

I have this teacher who requires- not suggests- that we give him a standing ovation every single time he enters the classroom. He walks in, smoke billowing around him, a single spotlight encircling him, music blaring, and his hands raised...soaking in the applause that his students are forced to feed him.

The other day I was trying to make espresso (that's eSpresso ok? not eXpresso. sigh...) and I tried to blow little crumbs of chunkily ground espresso bean from the cup into the sink. My blowing was obviously much more powerful than I expected because ground bean flew everywhere. My eye is part of everywhere. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I could see a large granule of espresso bean just sitting there- chilling- in my eye. I was faced with a problem...I didn't know how to get it out. I needed to get it out- you see- because it didn't feel all that great. Through many tears I eventually scraped it out of my eye.

I have this teacher who is a complete dolt. I'm truthfully not too sure what exactly "dolt" means...but it sure is a cool word and I wanted to use it. This guy treats our class as if we were 5 years old and he is in charge of our day-care. You could be blissfully tuning him out, wait till he is done with a sentence, then shout out, "Really!?" in the most sarcastic voice you could muster...and it would be appropriate. The other day he was talking about a reading we had to do and had the gall to say, "If this were raw Plato- (meaning Plato that was not dumbed down for our dumb nation) - you would be lost." Yes...I DID join this class to have my intelligence questioned by you, Mr. Dolt.

I just finished MF...a confusingly well-written novel by Anthony Burgess (the author of Clockwork Orange among many other great novels) Basic plot? A man finds that he was born due to an incestuous affair. He later finds he has a twin born from the same affair, though this twin makes him ashamed to look as he does, because he could be confused with his low-class double. He then kills his brother, gets married to his sister, nearly has sex with her (or does...I'm not really sure due to the language of the book), finds out his family has a history of incest, and that's pretty much where it ends. But that's almost nothing to the book I just started- Stiff- a book about how cadavers have been used by science throughout history to gain insight into what the human body can withstand. And it's funny.

I was cleaning my room the other day when I found two empty packages of some medication on top of a high shelf. I did a little research into the pills (which are marked in Spanish) and found that the former tenant of my room was a speed freak. Maybe that's going too far. He was using diet pills that are supposed to give you more energy, help you build more muscle, and help you lose weight...all by raising your body's caloric temperature by a few degrees. This is bad because then the glands in your body that regulate caloric control shut down momentarily because hey...something else is doing it's job for it! And it's easy to get these in Mexico, since most athletes don't really NEED the drugs.

Has anyone else noticed the complete lack of connection between my stories?

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That's HILARIOUS...I'll Visit You in the Hospital

Humor=Pain
Pain=Humor

No, that's not a puzzle or word game. That's the truth. Think about it. Turn on any episode of Funniest Home Videos. Turn on any sitcom. Listen to any comedian. Think about the stories you tell when with your friends. Pain. 99%* of jokes deal with physical pain, insults, mocking others, emotional pain, mental pain, other's pain, etc. Next time you are listening to a comedian or watching TV...count the laughable points and then see how many of those are pain related.

To try and prove my point...I went to Jokes.com and went to their random joke section. I will see how many in a row are about pain:

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"Fish"
----insult/mocking

Q: What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?
A: Someone is going to lose a trailer.
----mocking/other's pain

Yo mama is like a Big Mac, full of fat and only worth a buck
----insult

Q. What did George W Bush get on his SAT's?
A. Drool.
----insult

Q. Why do women have sex with their eyes closed?
A. Because they can't stand seeing a man having a good time!
----insult

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. They're both empty from the neck up!
----insult

Ok...this is getting old. How about I turn on Funniest Home Videos and see how many have to do with pain? Here we go:

-montage of people falling
-kangaroo kicks man in crotch
-baby falls off bed
-man cries at wedding
-man gets lit on fire by his grill
-man falls out of tree
-dog knocks over another dog
-kids hit mom instead of pi?ata

Ok...this is also getting old. I think I've made my point. Except for puns, and the minority of laughable points in life, humor and pain are synonymous. That's all I have to say.

By the way...I bled today...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

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Yeah...and I'm a Monkey's Uncle

There is this new study out, the largest and most complex of it's kind, to try and figure out if it's normal for men to want more sexual partners than women. And the result? Yes indeed...men are "hardwired" to be more promiscuous than women. Who woulda thunk it. It's evolution baby. That's right...we can take our shortcomings and blame them on our brains, or on nature, or on being less evolved than need be. Hooray for taking our problems and whoring them out on anything and everything but ourselves! Hip hip.....wait a minute. You mean people actually believe this? People actually think that because of testosterone, there is no way to avoid 'evolution' and therefore we men must follow out basic instincts to have as many sexual partners as possible?

Sigh.....

I'm no scientist. In fact...I hate math. But this is easy. Seriously. In one hand you have women, who, if they are truthful to themselves, have just about the same sexual urges as men. BUT...here's the kicker...they are told they shouldn't think about sex. They are told that it's lady-like to be sexless beings who rise above base urges. In the other hand we have men, who, if they are truthful to themselves, have just about the same sexual urges as women. BUT...here's the kicker...they are told that they should be thinking about sex every 7 seconds. They are told that they should be pimps and players and should conquer women like objects. So let's simplify this: women want sex, but can't get it because they are told not to even think about it. men want sex, but can't get it because they are either trying to suppress their supposed sex-driven brains, or because women are told not to think about it and therefore won't give it.

Now don't get me wrong...I'm not in any way saying that all the sex problems in the world are because "women...won't give it." But if men were to calm down for a second or two and realize that sex does not drive their lives, and women were to break free of the oppression of the Victorian lady stereotype, men and women would suddenly line up when it comes to sex.

Problem solved. Men feel fulfilled because they receive all the physical attention they need, therefore do not feel the need for many different partners.

Evolution=cop out

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WITHERING Heights Is More Like It

Let me preface this by saying that I loathe Wuthering Heights. Whether it be the Bronte book, or the crappy crappy film representations of the crappy crappy book. Ok, that's going too far. Bronte has crafted an incredibly intricate book with Shakespeare worthy deaths, soap opera worthy betrayals, and a little creepiness thrown in for good measure. I still loathe it. But that's not to say I don’t respect it.

MTV respected Wuthering Heights too!

Cool new tagline: "It's 2003. Their love is still doomed."
Cool new website: COOL NEW WEBSITE!!!

Somebody...please...hand me a plastic fork. I must gouge out my eyes.

MTV has somehow taken a classic and turned it into the story of a scroungy acoustic guitar toting mutt who falls in love with that girl from Traffic, but their love is doomed because a high class Cello playing pussy offers her money, so she goes with him as the mutt takes advantage of the pussy's sister to become a famous rock star to try and get Traffic girl's respect, which pretty much works because she cheats on the pussy with the mutt and then gets pregnant and dies.

WHAT?!?! (or as the hip youngsters say....WTF!!!!1) (yes, the "1" is intentional)

There's no affair in WH (which is now what I am going to call "Wuthering Heights" because typing "Wuthering Heights" is a pain)
There's no crappy concert scene in WH
There's no drug induced party scene in WH
There's allot more plot in WH

And I could go on and on. All I have to say is this...if that piece of CRAP made it onto TV, I am going to be a millionaire someday.

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I'm Hungry

Anyone want some pi?

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File Share THIS!

Well boys and girls...it's time to consider the pros and cons of getting a few free songs off the internet. It seems the RIAA is having a little hissy-fit and is suing little girls and little boys....which in turn, obviously affects the parents. According to this article, people who download "allot" of music (over 1,000 songs) can be sued for as much as $150,000 PER SONG. Then again, it sounds like a scare tactic to get people to settle out for a "measly" $2,000 or $3,000.

Let's figure this out here shall we?

--average CD length...........................12 songs
--average CD cost...............................$15

--12 songs into 1,000.........................83 CDs worth

--83 CDs cost......................................$1,245

Sounds to me like buying the CD's would be a little bit more worth it. That's good news for people like Aaron who could never get a file sharing program to work. That's bad news for just about everyone else who didn't really know the legal ramifications of file sharing. And how should we have known with the RIAA saying it's illegal (but why wouldn't they say that? They are a money-hungry corporation who is losing money) and the file-sharing programs are saying it IS legal (but why wouldn't they say that? Their business is based solely on us consumers). So who's right? Well.....now that we know the RIAA is right, it's a little too late. And now 7 in 10 file sharers are being sued. Hooray!

Everyone go sign THIS.

And in news that should have been given first...but wasn't because it wouldn't have made sense under that title: Johnny Cash died today. We should have a moment of silence for such an inspirational man.

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Shaving 101 for the Depressed

I really don't like to stick on a topic. Or, for that matter, repeat a topic. I just have this huge problem. I talked about this problem on July 26th...but that was because of one person who was pissing me off. Now there are more people pissing me off. I talked about how much I disliked it when people would show off their pain. People who are in true pain, not a game of attention-tug-of-war, will do anything to hide that they are in pain. Let's just say that there is a difference in skinning your knee skateboarding and then showing it off to everyone, and slicing a blade into your skin and then taking pictures and showing it off on the internet. If you are in pain...write about it....talk about it....draw about it....whatever. But I was just perusing one of my favorite art haunts when I came across a picture of an arm with a message carved into it....blood dripping. There was a link to a website that this user was a part of. A pro self-mutilation site. In their words, not a site to encourage self-mutilation, but a site to discuss this problem it in a friendly atmosphere. Now, when I think of talking a problem over in a friendly atmosphere, I think of AA or something similar. But how helpful would a site be where alcoholics go to swap "I got SO plastered!" stories? Or to talk about their favorite alcohol? Or to talk about how they hide their drinking? Not too damn useful. Well then...how helpful is a site where people who cut go to discuss how much they cut, or post pictures of their cutting, or talk about their favorite blades, or talk about how they hide their cuts so nobody can help them? Hmm....this is a tough one....I'm gonna have to think about it.............ok, thought about it....not too damn useful. And if ANYONE says that it's not influential....one thread was about what these people like to use to cut. Three or four were talking about techniques to get the blades out of disposable razors to cut. Then one girl responds with, "Oh...I've never thought about cutting with a disposable razor....maybe I'll try that." Great. Maybe it's not my place to talk....but people should keep their frickin self-mutilation techniques to themselves. These people aren't in real pain or they would try and stop....not make it sound fun for newcomers.

In other news....I spent the night eating éclairs and playing Track and Field for Nintendo. Oh man...too much fun.

Hey kids...guess what? In a mere couple weeks, this blog is a whole 2 years old! I KNOW! It's pretty amazing that I've been keeping this thing irregularly updated for a whole 2 years. The content has been mediocre, the writing has been 5th grade level, the grammar...oh goodness...I don't even want to think about it, but it has persisted in the face of hardship. In fact, I'm going to list everything that almost made this site no more:

--Boredom (in other words, not enough feedback that my site was amazing)...happened during the 1st month.

--Frustration (in other words, not knowing how to use code)...happened all the time and almost rendered my site useless.

--Memory (in other words, I forgot my password and didn't know how to get it back)

--Jealous Girlfriend (in other words, jealous girlfriend. now x-girlfriend. i didn't talk about her enough...or something)

Ok ok...so that wasn't some long list of horrible things that could have gone awry and didn't. It was a pathetic little list of pathetic little events that could have stopped my pathetic little site (I'm trying for pity here...is it working?) Oh well...here's to another year of talking about my embarrassing personal problems!

It's been just over one week of school and I'm already ready for summer again. Ooooh...sounds like a song lyric...."I'm already ready for summer again." The first week I was told I would have to read 13 novels....for one single class, I would have to listen to an idiot treat me like a little kid, I would have to watch multiple hour long and horribly boring silent films, and I would be watching at least 4 movies a week....for school.

Plus I have this teacher who tries to sound smart for some reason, maybe to try and impress us college kids. Why is it that, with our culture, the smarter people get, the more secluded they get? I don't think I said that right. The smarter people get, the less they can communicate (or choose to communicate) with everyone less smart than themselves. I always kinda thought that when someone got smart, it would be a good idea to spread that knowledge to others....not segregate yourself from the "lesser" individuals. Plus, in trying to sound smart, he made some really stupid comments. Such as:

"Punctuality, timeliness, promptness, or any of those lovely.....adjectives.....are very important."
**since when are those adjectives?

Oh, and he threw this gem of a sentence at us:

"And at the risk of sounding pedantic, the less interpersonal communication at this juncture would be appropriate."

Why didn't he just say, "Hey...don't talk." Why? Because he has to try and sound superior to us lowly college kids. I have another teacher who talks to us like we are his equals...but still keeps his authority. Today, after making a mistake in handing out papers, he said, "Well guys, since I fucked up, we're going to have to change the schedule a little." Now, whether or not you personally swear, I guarantee you that this lets the kids know that they can approach him and say whatever is on their mind.

We need less...well, in the first guy's own words describing himself...."pretentious prick"s in this world.