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A Reverse Chronological Inventory of Nicknames

(Nicknames were given TO me and not chosen BY me)

ET: Given to me at the ripe old age of newborn a nurse decided to call me ET since I was prone to stretching my neck up as high as possible and looking around the room...supposedly ET-like. The nickname never stuck.

Pokey: Given to me at something like 2 because I just wouldn't walk. I knew HOW to walk, I just wouldn't do it. I preferred crawling on hands and knees everywhere I went. Seeing as how this was slower than walking, I was deemed Pokey.

Skin: Fast forward to junior high when I was acting in plays. I was the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz and that character is also one of the farm hands. The farm hand wore overalls. One day during practice I forgot my undershirt and had to go out on stage wearing just the overalls and no shirt...kinda embarrassing for a scrawny pale kid like me. Later, during an actual performance...as in lots of lots of people in the audience...I was forced to go out not wearing an undershirt. Kinda traumatic. I was called Skin only in the theatre.

Spandex: Same time, same play, same costume. I had to wear silver spandex under my Styrofoam costume and this...being junior high...is a time when kids like to point out to other kids why they are weird or different or stupid. I was called Spandex only in the theatre.

GP: High school now and I had this teacher who I'm pretty sure just didn't know my name...but could remember my initials. To him I was GP. Soon everyone was calling me this.

GPness: Say it out loud. Like right now. Heh. My friend Brad would add "-ness" to the end of everything. ie: let's go get some foodness. One day, while calling me GP (which was normal) he added his semi-famous suffix and said, "Hey GPness" which came out as "Hey G-penis." Let's just say I still get called this today.

Condom Boy: As fun as this nickname sounds...it's really nothing like it sounds. I used to wear this beanie to school that my friend Aaron decided looked like a condom on my head. I was then Condom Boy for a short period of time.

Video Guy: I wasn't so much popular in high school, but I wasn't looked down upon. I was just this entity that did things every now and then. Since I was in the video yearbook class I always had a camera on me and people notice you more when you have a camera on your shoulder. So after some time I was that Video Guy instead of just some passing face in the crowd.

Mac Daddy Nifty-Whip Flapjack Bisquick: This one is kind of an anomoly. I don't really remember EXACTLY where the name came from. I mean, I know it was with Jordan at school during a play when we were trying to come up with our rapper names, but I do not remember what prompted this name to be given to me. It has, however, stuck quite well.

Mo Betta': Another Jordan appointed name. This one comes from one of the best restaurant names I have ever seen. In West Hollywood you will eventually pass by the "Mo Betta Meaty Meat Burgers" restaurant completely surrounded by barbed-wire and bullet-riddled walls. The name was so great that...wait...I'm not sure, once again, how this name turned into a nickname. Once more, though, Jordan gave me a nickname that has stuck like glue.

Sprout: My brother's friend Ky told me that when he doesn't like someone he forgets their name, but if he likes someone, he gives them a nickname. Since I was too young to go into a strip club, which is what HE wanted to do with the rest of the night, I became Sprout. This later morphed into Kid from the same guy.

Slick: Also highschool...also due to a piece of clothing. I got this old, beat up leather jacket from a thrift store and since I was the only guy in high school with a WAY too fancy leather jacket for high school I was nicknamed Slick.

Grunk: College now and I was writing on a white board to tell my roommates that I was "Out taking over the world." I signed it "Supreme ruler of the world....a.k.a...." and then I wrote my name. Or tried to. When I write fast my "a" looks like a "u." That would make my name Grunt which is funny enough, but no...I somehow, in my rushing, put a "k" at the end of my name. That's right...I pretty much wrote "Grunk" instead of "Grant." When I came home Ed and Aaron looked at me and said, "Who's Grunk?" I didn't believe them that I wrote it until I looked at it and indeed I had written this horrible remake of my name. I still get called this today.

Sergeant Penis/Sarge: After my whole urethra dilation ordeal, Rob (the Beatles fan) decided that it would be fun to call me Sergeant Penis as an ode to Sergeant Pepper. This was later shortened to just plain ol' Sarge since yelling, "Hey Sergeant Penis!" in public would cause problems.

Stealth: Also from Rob. Every time I used his tuner, I would do so without him knowing. He would walk to his bag and his tuner would be gone and he'd yell out "Stealth!" The funny thing is I never tried to hide my using of his tuner.

Starch: A play on words from my other nickname: Sarge. After a conversation about steak and potatoes having too much starch, I looked at the people having the conversation and nodded while licking my lips and then spouted out, "I love starch!" Without my knowing, a large group of people were informed that my name was then changed to Starch.

This is not a completely comprehensive list. There are many many more names (ie: That Goth Guy, That Art Guy, That Preppy Guy, That Computer Guy, That Guy, etc.) but most don't need any description and most are too boring to talk about. You know...unlike all the ones I talked about which are so fascinating that I'm sure you won't be able to keep your eyes away from the computer monitor. *laughs slightly at self* I'll have to update this when I think of more.
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