Mr. Paige...You Might Want to Sit Down for This....

The brown leather couch is incredibly comfortable and is more than an adequate sleeping spot. After only a few hours sleep, taking a nap sounds like a good idea. There are pictures of little girls on bikes, little girls all dressed up, little girls hugging their daddy. Colorful plastic models of male and female reproductive systems hang on the walls next to generic black and white photography. The air conditioning is blasting, which is too cold for most people, but just fine for me. I'm reading a People magazine and finding out about the not-so-secret lives of famous people the media tells me to care about. After nearly half an hour sitting in the quiet office, a tall, thin, bearded man walks in, shakes my hand, and introduces himself as Dr. K. We sit down and I talk to this stranger about a part of my body that I don't talk to many people about...in person. After a while I am presented with the options ahead of me:

1- Hope that the last cysto-dilation corrected any and all problems (chances are nearly nil)
2- If not...another scope while I'm awake. If scar tissue has built back up, either:
__*cysto-dilation with cold blade while awake
__*cysto-dilation with laser while awake
__*home catheter insertion (applied by me)
3- If those options do not work I am faced with the possibility that I will have to go in to get regular cysto-dilations for the rest of my life
4- If I do not WANT cysto-dilations for the rest of my life there is the possibility of a major surgery in which the part of the urethra with the scar tissue is removed. Think of it this way...take a hose, lay it out flat, cut out a chunk from the middle, sew the remaining pieces together. This can cause major problems if it does not heal correctly.

I then took off my pants to show him a part of my body that I don't show to just anyone. After being fondled and being asked to cough he did a prostate check...which is when...um....you know. Sigh...I didn't even flinch.

I am seriously just completely and utterly beyond hoping right now. I'm past crossing my fingers. I'm over trusting. I'm laughing at luck or karma or fate. I'm so ridiculously afraid of how this is going to turn out that it's beyond funny. Though I don't know why it would be funny in the first place.