In light of the $750,000,000 Santana Row-- set to open in less than a month --burning to the ground as I write, I thought it would be appropriate to talk about the ins and outs of shopping. Going to your friendly neighborhood mega-store these days can be dangerous, confusing, and as we saw today...deadly. So here are some hints and tips to follow to make your shopping an enjoyable time.

Picking Your Store- Most important in finding the store that is right for you is checking what the store has in stock. Why shop at a store that fails to carry 1-gallon sized mayonnaise or live cats in jars!?!

Cart Procurement- Once at your store, finding the appropriate shopping cart is essential. It is a known fact that band-aid and ice-pack companies are profiting from carts that suddenly swerve into the shins of shoppers to one's left or right. Fight the system! Buy your own cart that is sure to work right. By revamping this popular model with the engine from the increasingly common Mini, one can peruse the produce isle at an impressive 80mph. And don't forget your safety flag!

Trying New Things- Why be bored with the same old food items you normally pick up? Why not be creative and try something new. Like pink bananas in syrup! Or some Potted Meat Food Product (obviously great on crackers)! Or, heck, get something with a label like THIS...then cross your fingers and pray that it's edible.

Checking Out- So there you are, standing in a huge line waiting to check out. Your cat in a jar is meowing, your electric cart is low on power, all you want is to get home and have a big heaping helping of Potted Meat Food Product but the line is taking forever. Your best bet? Following this easy-to-use chart...prepared just for such a situation.

So you've picked a store, tricked out your shopping cart, made up your mind to try new things, and practiced being an "arrogant bastard" or maybe someone with the "mental doldrums"...so get out there and shop! Oh, and you might want to pack a fire extinguisher on your new cart...you never know when you'll be caught in a 6-acre structure fire.