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HOLY $#!T

So think of your favorite celebrity (or well known person who's work you follow close enough to be considered a stalker and have a restraining order) Now imagine that this person gave you something...not like a signed picture, but actually handed you an item. How special would that be to you? Well...that's what just happened to me (minus the actual "handing")

A couple weeks ago I wrote a letter to Chuck Palahniuk. Since it was my birthday I had the audacity to send him a script I wrote and asked him to read it and comment. I didn't really expect anything in return...this is a busy man. Today I got a package on the porch, so I took it up to my room and opened it. I was thoroughly confused because I thought this package was my Tick DVD's (the cartoon...not the crappy live-action version) but I was faced with many interesting items instead of DVDs. I found a note and scanned to see who it was from. Lo and behold...it was from Chuck Palahniuk himself. The god of my literary world. He not only typed up a response to my script, but sent me a bunch of stuff for my birthday...including:

-signed copy of Italian version of Lullaby
-silly putty
-gummy worms
-gold tooth cover (for a pirate costume)
-a stocking
-a temporary tattoo
-a package of forget-me-not seeds
-a deck of cards
-birthday candles
-a mouthpiece that holds glowsticks
-a stuffed owl

Scrawled on the note in red sharpie was, "Here's your birthday owl!!" And now, if I ever produce that script, I can put at the bottom of the poster:

"Okay okay- I liked it!"
---Chuck Palahniuk

Gosh....I already loved every word that Chuck wrote...but any author that takes the time to do something as frickin' cool as this is really the coolest person in the world. If you haven't read his books....go read them....now.....they rock.

Ok, that's all...I just had to revel in the glory of receiving gifts from one of my heros.

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The Apocolypse and Alien Attacks on the Famous

Two days ago I looked out the window in the morning and I saw a world that looked tinted yellow, as if through the lenses of colored sunglasses. Plus it looked like it was snowing. My car was covered in white flakes, and the yellow ground was being covered in white. The sun was red and the smell of smoke was in the air. People walked around with surgical masks covering their mouths. Yes...it was the apocolypse. Or maybe it was just the fact that most of LA was and still is on fire. Ashes fell from the sky for the next day, and a little today. The sprinklers hit my car and the ashes fell in the water...now my car looks like it's been completely plastered with bird crap. My eyes are still red from the ashes (which, by the way, must REALLY like eyes...because when they get attached to an eye...they DON'T LET GO), and I'm still coughing from inhaling burnt up houses and trees.

Just so everyone knows...aliens have come to earth to slowly but surely kill off all the cool famous people. Have you guys been noticing how many famous people have died recently? And now Elliot Smith is dead. He stabbed himself in the chest. No...really. That sucks. Allot. People need to stop dying. Really.

The only people who should not stop dying are stupid people. Now I'm not talking about people who aren't exactly smart because of brain defects; I'm talking about people who are just plain stupid. Naomi and I went to KFC earlier tonight. You would think that going through a drive-through would be an easy task now that the speaker systems are better, but no. No no no. You would be wrong if you thought that. And I'm not talking about a simple, "oh, they forgot to give me some mashed potatoes." I'm talking about this transcription of the drive-through hell we experienced:

Actual Drivethrough Conversation
**for the sake of anonymity, I will name the KFC attendant SPITW (Stupidest Person In The World)**

SPITW: Welcome to KFC, how can I help you?
Naomi: Yeah, I'll have the three chicken strip meal with mashed potatoes.
SPITW: Ok...so the chicken strips..........and mashed potatoes.
Naomi: Um, yeah...
SPITW: (cutting her off) is that all?
Naomi: No. I'll also have the seven piece honey BBQ wings.
SPITW: Would you like the meal?
Naomi: No....
SPITW: (cutting her off again) is that all?
Naomi: No. I'll also have the seven piece honey BBQ wings meal with mashed potatoes.
SPITW: Ok, so that's chicken strips, and honey BBQ wings, and a side of mashed potatoes.
Naomi: No. I want the three chicken strip meal with mashed potatoes....
SPITW: Ok, so the chicken strips with a side of mashed potatoes, honey BBQ wings, and a side of mashed potatoes.
Naomi: No...I...
SPITW: (cutting her off again) is that all?
Naomi: NO! I want the chicken strip MEAL with mashed potatoes IN the meal.
SPITW: Ok, chicken strip meal with mashed potatoes.
Naomi: Yes...then the honey BBQ strips meal with mashed potatoes.
SPITW: We don't have a honey BBQ strips meal.
Me: Yes they do!
Naomi: Ok...the honey BBQ wing meal. (as if there's a difference)



.....ok, you get the point....i'm not going to finish this story because my night's not going so well. i need to sleep.

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Kill Bill's a Killer Film

So I went to see Kill Bill tonight. It was kind of spur of the moment, deciding to go see a movie by myself at 10:30 a night. I coaxed Ed to go along with me so I wouldn't have to get lost (I'm kidding...although maybe I'm not since I am THE WORST PERSON WITH DIRECTIONS EVER) We missed the first 30 seconds, but that's ok...what I did see was amazing. And did you know that gore is effective mainly because of color? Well...if you see this film you will understand. Take away the color, and you take away much of the queasy turn-your-head-because-another-limb-is-being-hewn-off effect. Not only do I have more respect for Uma Thurman (sp?) now, but I have even MORE respect for good ol' Quentin (sp?) Go see it, really...it's more than worth the 9.50.

We walked out of the theatre and were confronted with a heavy heavy fog. No, it was really amazing. I haven't seen fog like this in years...if ever. We were doing 25 on major streets, barely being able to see 15 feet in front of the car. And that was with street lights blaring. On the side streets by our house it was so dark that stop signs would pop out at you 5 feet away. There would be no warning if someone walked out in front of the car. It was so heavy that you could feel it when you walked through it, couldn't see past it, and could smell and taste it. Gosh I love fog.

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Tobacco is...sigh

I don't want to say anything bad about advertising aimed at stopping epidemic problems in our world. I do, however, have a problem if that advertising just plain sucks. Have you seen the recent anti-smoking ads? No, not the Truth ads, the Tobacco is Whacko ads. Seriously....what the hell is that?!? Not only does this seem like a resurgence of the 50's how-to films (LSD: A Good Trip or A Bad Choice?), but whoever created this piece of crap somehow overlooked something very easy to see: they are promoting smoking. Tobacco is Whacko....IF YOU'RE A TEEN. Hmm...let's think about this...if tobacco is a bad idea (if "whacko" even = "bad".....the dictionary says whacko means eccentric....so I guess smoking makes you eccentric) when you are a teen, then by contrast, tobacco is a totally great idea if you're an adult! Yay tobacco! Yay for 1 in 3 people who smoke dying! Yay for innocents dying through second hand smoke! Oh oh...wait...but not if you're a teen. You'd better wait till you're 18...THEN you can join the deadly fun!

I hate this world.

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Reverting to My Sophmoric Ways

I go through phases. I started out this blog with high hopes. Then I dashed those hopes upon the proverbial rocks of the proverbial ocean of proverbial dispair as I realized it was more work than I intended to put into it. Then I changed my mind. Then I went in and out of using lots of cool links. Then I thought it would be cool to write about lots of tough issues. That pretty much failed. So...I thought I would go back to the cool links. Yeah yeah, I realize that that last link was just a dancing penguin and really had nothing to do with cool links. But I like penguins. And I could pretend that I meant that that link was cool because it was a penguin. Or something. I'm sorry. sorry, sorry, sorry. Ok, did I make up for having a non-related link with those three? Seriously...what's up with that weird alien turtle thing? I really have nothing to say. Ummmm.....bye.

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Kill....Grant?

I'm really good at hurting myself. And in some sick way, I enjoy it. Woah...hold on a second. Before you judge, I'm no masochist...but there is some satisfaction I gain from having a wound. You know how people like to swap scar stories, and whoever has the worst wound and the most horrific story wins? Well, I play that game with myself. I don't hurt myself on purpose, but when I do hurt myself, I take pride in my injury. Remember when I broke my toe a couple months ago? Well, deja vu. I was walking to the bathroom, with my contacts off, and I smashed the same toe from the same foot on the same door. After getting up off the bathroom floor, I wiggled it, decided it wasn't shattered, and went on hobbling through the rest of my day. I'm pretty sure it's broken again. Then, last night, I sliced my thumb open on a piece of broken mirror. Today I smashed my hip into the banister, leaving a gigantic red welt. Oh, and I have some huge bruise on my knee and I don't know where it came from.

In ohetr nwes, I'm srue taht you all konw all auobt the sutdy form smoe big sohcol taht syas we hmunas can raed egnilsh eevn if the ltters are all mxeid up....as lnog as the frist and lsat ltetrs are the smae. So, in sohrt, I'm ttaloly saeltnig tihs form all toehs mroe wttiy tahn me. I aopolgsie to you, if you are rdaenig tihs and you hvae adealry dnoe tish.

In evn othr nws, my csn Ryn dcdd to mke fn of ths stdy by mkng up hs own stdy in whch the hmn rce cn rd englsh tht hs no vwls, as lng as the frst and lst lttrs are the sme as the orgnl wrd. Sre ths is cmpltly ldcrs, bt thn agn, so is a stdy tht sys we cn rd englsh tht is all mxd up. It's cmpltly uslss and mst lkly cst an absrd amnt of mny. Pls, I'm sre tht mny of yu who are rdng ths hve no cle wht I am typng, whch mks it all the mre fn. Hhhhhh, yu dn't knw wht I am syng! Ok, srry, I'm dne.

If you haven't yet figure out...I'm kinda tired but can't sleep...so I'm taking it all out on you, my subjects. My loyal subjects. Muwahahahahha!

Ok, I'm going to bed now.

But first....the best quote of the month: "I know it's a cat, but I still want to see if it's a monkey."

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One Wedding and a....

Today I went to a wedding and saw a car crash. You might think that I'm saying that I went to a wedding during one part of the day and saw a car crash during another part of the day, but no. I went to a wedding, and there I saw a car crash. The ceremony had just started (it was outside) and about a quarter mile away I heard a SCREEEEEEEEE so I turned my head in time to see a car careening through an intersection, trailing clouds of burnt rubber, fishtailing for a good 50 feet into another car. You could almost feel the crumple of metal. Throughout the rest of the ceremony police sirens were wailing, ambulences were speeding by, and traffic was piling up. It was a good wedding.

Tonight I went out for a belated birthday drink. A big group of us went to Fridays and I got a Long Island Iced Tea. Ed and I fought with plastic swords, Ua built huge monuments out of glasses, forks, and plates, I sucked down an entire helium baloon and sang I Will Survive with Faye, I got a free cookie ice cream dessert thingy, Brett got alcohol even though he forgot his ID (he used his receding hairline as proof of age), I spat chocolate upon Kim's arm, and I had a wonderful time. Wonderful indeed.

Well, now it's 1:00am and I have to get up at 7:00am for church. Last night I couldn't go to sleep till 5:00am...let's hope that doesn't happen again.

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Birthday Fun for Everyone

The deed is done. I'm 21. And no, I didn't mean for that to sound like a poem (or I did and am just too ashamed to let it be known). Now I know that the question on all of your minds is, "Did you get totally sloshed?" And the answer is...if by sloshed you mean drinking 3/4 of a Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade and a small glass of port, then by golly, I got sloshed as nobody has gotten sloshed before. The truth of the matter is that I just really like saying the word "sloshed." Then again, I am merely typing it, not saying it...but you can imagine (if you want to) that I am sitting next to you, saying all that you are now reading; and in that case I would be actually vocalizing the word "sloshed" and then my point about saying it would not be lost. All in all, I got my first "I'm-gonna-be-in-public-with-alcohol-so-I'm-gonna-need-a-brown-paper-bag" brown paper bag, I watched Ahhhnold become the Govenator, I tried to teach a bunch of highschool punks about labeling tapes, I got some cash and some gift cards, and I had someone I have never talked to before tell me happy birthday. It was a pretty damned good day.

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An Apple a Day

Ok, I've done the unspeakable. I am sitting at my computer, but it's not the same computer, it has a little "apple with a bite taken out of it" symbol on the monitor. Those of you who are somewhat smart will now think to yourselves "Oh no! Another poor soul has been abducted by the dark side! Not another Apple user! Noooooo!" Or maybe you'll just think "Apple sucks." Or maybe you'll bunch up your brow and look like your thinking real hard and then say "I want some macaroni and cheese." But whatever it is you say, you will not sway me from my decision to start using a mac. "Why?" you ask? (or maybe you didn't ask, but I put the word into your mouth and made it seem like you said it...you see...I'm a vantriloquist) "Because," I will say. Because the G5 is the most powerful personal computer on the market. Because I can actually be an editor now. And because it allows me to easily listen to Zeilsteen, the Netherland, Dutch, Holland internet radio.

In other news...I'm turning 21 tomorrow. Yes, yes...as of tomorrow I can buy alcohol. And that's about it. Weeeee. 18 is such a bigger deal than 21. Plus I still have to wait till 26 to rent a car. And I still have to wait till 55 (65 in some places) to get a senior citizen discount at the local movie theatre (by that time movie prices will be, on average, $35 a ticket) But yeah, maybe I'll get a glass of wine. Or maybe I'll down 3 Audios Mother F*****S in a row and collapse on the concrete outside of some shady bar, only to wake up having had my wallet stolen and my body peed upon. Or maybe not.

In other other news, I have no other news.